Maybe I was just in the right frame of mind, maybe I'd hate it on a re-watch, but I'm going to come right out and say it; I loved the hell out of this movie.
For that reason, I'm going to tell you why you should see it, then hang around after the jump, wielding spoilers and waiting for you to join me and shoot shit about a fun little movie.
Showing posts with label Enhanced Reviews. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Enhanced Reviews. Show all posts
Saturday, 15 September 2012
Saturday, 25 August 2012
SS Experiment Love Camp - Will's Review
Our last Nazi Nasty! Horray! And this one isn't even that bad (by the, admittedly low, standard set by the others anyway).
The basic premise is the same as in all of these things; female POWs are kept at a special camp where they will act as whores to the third Reich, and nasty experiments shall be run on them.
The basic premise is the same as in all of these things; female POWs are kept at a special camp where they will act as whores to the third Reich, and nasty experiments shall be run on them.
Wednesday, 22 August 2012
Revenge of the Boogeyman - Will's Review
Before I even get to my thoughts on this movie, I should explain the delay.
Knowing that this movie was also known as "Boogeyman 2" I went right on ahead and got a copy of "Boogeyman 2". Except, when that movie started, the on screen title was "Boogeyman 2: Redux"...
This was enough to make me pause and launch into research mode: it seems that in 2002, Co-Director / co-writer Ulli Lommel went back and filmed some new scenes (of himself - he's also an actor in both versions of this movie) and re-edited "Revenge of the Boogeyman" into a whole new movie, which is available as "Boogeyman 2: Redux" or "Boogeyman 2: The Directors Cut" Which is a bit of a cheek as Bruce Star is the listed director on the original version. To confuse matters further, the original and redux versions both share an IMDB and Wikipedia page, as they are classed as different cuts of the same movie.
Knowing that this movie was also known as "Boogeyman 2" I went right on ahead and got a copy of "Boogeyman 2". Except, when that movie started, the on screen title was "Boogeyman 2: Redux"...
This was enough to make me pause and launch into research mode: it seems that in 2002, Co-Director / co-writer Ulli Lommel went back and filmed some new scenes (of himself - he's also an actor in both versions of this movie) and re-edited "Revenge of the Boogeyman" into a whole new movie, which is available as "Boogeyman 2: Redux" or "Boogeyman 2: The Directors Cut" Which is a bit of a cheek as Bruce Star is the listed director on the original version. To confuse matters further, the original and redux versions both share an IMDB and Wikipedia page, as they are classed as different cuts of the same movie.
Saturday, 18 August 2012
Snuff - Will's Review
After watching Snuff, but while pondering what I could possibly write about it, I happened to read an interview with (Current Doctor Who writer-in-chief) Stephen Moffat, in which he says that "All stories are endings; the rest of the story is just a way to arrive at the ending" - which is true, and sums up nicely why a bad ending can ruin an otherwise fine movie, and why a great ending can elevate an average film.
It's also never been more fitting as I come to review a movie that was sold entirely on it's final scene.
It's also never been more fitting as I come to review a movie that was sold entirely on it's final scene.
Saturday, 30 June 2012
Night of the Demon: Will's Review
I hate to rag on micro budget movies, getting a film finished and out there is no mean feat, but for some things there's no excuse; There are plenty of good actors who will work for guild minimum, and a coherent script costs no more to write than, say, Night of the Demon...
You see, the film starts at the end, and is told in flashbeck, a common enough method, only there are several flashbacks along the way - flashbacks within flashbacks, and while many of the scenes do not feature the main character (the one doing the flashing back) the sub-flashbacks almost all have no survivors, and in one case the guy doing the main story wasn't present when the nested (and witness free) flashback was recounted! So he is recounting the recounting of a tail which no one could have known about and which he didn't even hear!
You see, the film starts at the end, and is told in flashbeck, a common enough method, only there are several flashbacks along the way - flashbacks within flashbacks, and while many of the scenes do not feature the main character (the one doing the flashing back) the sub-flashbacks almost all have no survivors, and in one case the guy doing the main story wasn't present when the nested (and witness free) flashback was recounted! So he is recounting the recounting of a tail which no one could have known about and which he didn't even hear!
Saturday, 23 June 2012
Night of the Bloody Apes - Will's Review
Badly acted, badly directed and edited, with dialogue translated word-by-word from Spanish with no thought to syntax or English sentence formation, this is a near perfect drive-in or freinds-and-beer movie.
Saturday, 16 June 2012
Mardi Gras Massacre - Will's Review
Remember last week I told you not to read spoilers until you'd seen the movie? Not so much this week...
Saturday, 5 May 2012
Killer Nun - Will's Review
Nunspoitation; A genre that conjures up images of massive lesbian orgies in kinky short habits, or at the very least something like this:
... Unless that's just me?
In any case, there's nun of that here. Just some lame murders (and one cool one) and a plot "twist" that's telegraphed right from the start...
***Spoilers follow***
Movie rule number 1: If a character you assume is the lead keeps talking to someone, but you never actually see their face; It IS NOT the lead character.
Movie rule number 2: If you never see the supposed killer kill anyone, the ARE NOT the real killer.
Everyone knows this, Right?
So when we keep cutting between the, admittedly less-than-nunly, shenanigans of morphine-addicted Sister Gertrude, murders committed by nunly hands of indeterminate origin, and a never-seen nun in confessional saying that she "won't stop" "Punishing men" because of "What he did to me" it should be patently obvious that Gertrude isn't the killer, or the Nun in the confessional.
Anyway, our nuns here work in a hospital (I would call it a retirement home, but just one or two of the patents / inmates aren't old enough) and as Gurtrude starts to loose it (through her morphine addiction) she starts to get less popular with the residents, especially the old lady who's dentures she stamps on in a fit of rage! Sadly, the Hospital envrionment is really only used in one of the kills - in which a woman is tortured by being stabbed in the face (and through an eyeball) with hypodermic needles, while her mouth is taped shut with medical tape, which is not only the best kill, but also the highlight of the entire movie.
Not entirely unwatchable if you have time to kill, but there are a hell of a lot of movies out there I'd see first.
Body Count: 6
Boob COunt: 2 Pairs
Animal Body Count: 0
Most Memorable Death: Accupuncture - ur doing it wrong!
Please use the comments bellow only to comment on this post - to write your own review, please comment on the main post for this movie.
... Unless that's just me?
In any case, there's nun of that here. Just some lame murders (and one cool one) and a plot "twist" that's telegraphed right from the start...
***Spoilers follow***
Movie rule number 1: If a character you assume is the lead keeps talking to someone, but you never actually see their face; It IS NOT the lead character.
Movie rule number 2: If you never see the supposed killer kill anyone, the ARE NOT the real killer.
Everyone knows this, Right?
So when we keep cutting between the, admittedly less-than-nunly, shenanigans of morphine-addicted Sister Gertrude, murders committed by nunly hands of indeterminate origin, and a never-seen nun in confessional saying that she "won't stop" "Punishing men" because of "What he did to me" it should be patently obvious that Gertrude isn't the killer, or the Nun in the confessional.
Anyway, our nuns here work in a hospital (I would call it a retirement home, but just one or two of the patents / inmates aren't old enough) and as Gurtrude starts to loose it (through her morphine addiction) she starts to get less popular with the residents, especially the old lady who's dentures she stamps on in a fit of rage! Sadly, the Hospital envrionment is really only used in one of the kills - in which a woman is tortured by being stabbed in the face (and through an eyeball) with hypodermic needles, while her mouth is taped shut with medical tape, which is not only the best kill, but also the highlight of the entire movie.
Not entirely unwatchable if you have time to kill, but there are a hell of a lot of movies out there I'd see first.
Body Count: 6
Boob COunt: 2 Pairs
Animal Body Count: 0
Most Memorable Death: Accupuncture - ur doing it wrong!
Please use the comments bellow only to comment on this post - to write your own review, please comment on the main post for this movie.
Saturday, 21 April 2012
Inferno - Will's Review.
This one's an Argento. And then some. From the primary colored lighting, to the score that manages to feature Prog Rock, Experimental Jazz and opera, to the bug that lets us know shit's about to go down, this week's movie has his fingerprints all over it.
That said, it does lack the batshit insanity of his Giallo work... Probably because of the mainstream funding (this one was paid for by Fox); this isn't to say it's entirely coherent ether...
***Spoilers follow***
Part of the problem with the coherency, may be the fact that it doesn't have a clear lead character; Every time you meet someone why might be lead in any other movie, they die. There is a guy who is in most of the movies final 2/3rds, but I'm, not sure he does enough to qualify as a 'lead' in any traditional sense.
It also doesn't have much in the way of a story - there's a book in it, which tells the story of the "Three Mothers", and this book seems to be of interest to a lot of people, especially alchemists. One such alchemist, lives under a library that has a copy, but rather than just nipping upstairs and checking it out or removing it from the shelves, he seems content until someone wielding a copy takes a wrong turn and winds up in his basement, then attempts to boil their head.
There are also some pretty ropy effects, like a god awful "Death" costume which is clearly a black jumpsuit with a rubber skeleton on it, and a potentially hilarious scene in which a womanhas (what I hope are stuffed) cats thrown at her is attacked by cats...
Sad to say it, because I do like a lot of Argento's work, but this one is a bit of an, albeit beautifully shot, mess.
Body Count: 9
Boob Count: 1 pair (through a wet shirt)
Animal Body Count: 5 kills (including one insect), 2 stuffed lizards on desks.
Most Memorable Death: Knife through neck - with a lovely flow of blood from the mouth.
Please use the comments bellow only to comment on this post - to write your own review, please comment on the main post for this movie.
That said, it does lack the batshit insanity of his Giallo work... Probably because of the mainstream funding (this one was paid for by Fox); this isn't to say it's entirely coherent ether...
***Spoilers follow***
Part of the problem with the coherency, may be the fact that it doesn't have a clear lead character; Every time you meet someone why might be lead in any other movie, they die. There is a guy who is in most of the movies final 2/3rds, but I'm, not sure he does enough to qualify as a 'lead' in any traditional sense.
It also doesn't have much in the way of a story - there's a book in it, which tells the story of the "Three Mothers", and this book seems to be of interest to a lot of people, especially alchemists. One such alchemist, lives under a library that has a copy, but rather than just nipping upstairs and checking it out or removing it from the shelves, he seems content until someone wielding a copy takes a wrong turn and winds up in his basement, then attempts to boil their head.
There are also some pretty ropy effects, like a god awful "Death" costume which is clearly a black jumpsuit with a rubber skeleton on it, and a potentially hilarious scene in which a woman
Sad to say it, because I do like a lot of Argento's work, but this one is a bit of an, albeit beautifully shot, mess.
Body Count: 9
Boob Count: 1 pair (through a wet shirt)
Animal Body Count: 5 kills (including one insect), 2 stuffed lizards on desks.
Most Memorable Death: Knife through neck - with a lovely flow of blood from the mouth.
Please use the comments bellow only to comment on this post - to write your own review, please comment on the main post for this movie.
Saturday, 14 April 2012
I Spit on Your Grave - Will's Review
This is one on the more famous Video nasties, so you probably already know the plot, if you don't allow me to fill you in using only information found on the films posters.
Its origional title was "The Rape and Revenge of Jennifer Hill" and the tagline is "This woman has just cut, chopped, broken, and burned five men beyond recognition…but no jury in American would ever convict her!"
Up to speed? Good.
***Spoilers (such as you can have for such a simple plot) follow****
First of all; The poster lies - Jenifer is attacked by (and takes her deadly revenge on) only 4 men.
After moving into a rented lakeside house for the summer to write her first full length novel, author Jenifer Hill orders a grocery delivery from the local store. They are delivered by a walking cartoon character (and town simpleton) Mathew:
So, what with him being a half-wit, and her being nice to him, he gets a crush on her, the fact she had a thin shirt on and no bra helped too...
Mathew immediately tells his only 3 friends, Johnny, Stanley and Andy (who Own the local fueling station, hang out at the local fueling station and hang around at the local fueling station, respectively) about the new girl.
One sunny day, when Jennifer is out sunbathing in a drifting rowboat in the lake, Stanley and Andy start harassing her from her speedboat and drag her to shore.
What follows is one of the most unpleasant hours of cinema I have ever seen.
It becomes quickly apparent that Johnny has orchestrated Jenifer's capture, so that Mathew can lose his virginity, she is stripped and held down, but when Mathew is reluctant, he is demoted to leg holding duty while Johnny rapes her.
The rape is, an I'm sure I won't find much opposition this time, horrific, we see most of it while the camera is trained on Jennifer's face, and I have to offer kudos to Camille Keaton at this point, who does look genuinely humiliated, terrified and pained.
Please use the comments bellow only to comment on this post - to write your own review, please comment on the main post for this movie.
Its origional title was "The Rape and Revenge of Jennifer Hill" and the tagline is "This woman has just cut, chopped, broken, and burned five men beyond recognition…but no jury in American would ever convict her!"
Up to speed? Good.
***Spoilers (such as you can have for such a simple plot) follow****
First of all; The poster lies - Jenifer is attacked by (and takes her deadly revenge on) only 4 men.
After moving into a rented lakeside house for the summer to write her first full length novel, author Jenifer Hill orders a grocery delivery from the local store. They are delivered by a walking cartoon character (and town simpleton) Mathew:
Mathew
So, what with him being a half-wit, and her being nice to him, he gets a crush on her, the fact she had a thin shirt on and no bra helped too...
Mathew immediately tells his only 3 friends, Johnny, Stanley and Andy (who Own the local fueling station, hang out at the local fueling station and hang around at the local fueling station, respectively) about the new girl.
One sunny day, when Jennifer is out sunbathing in a drifting rowboat in the lake, Stanley and Andy start harassing her from her speedboat and drag her to shore.
What follows is one of the most unpleasant hours of cinema I have ever seen.
It becomes quickly apparent that Johnny has orchestrated Jenifer's capture, so that Mathew can lose his virginity, she is stripped and held down, but when Mathew is reluctant, he is demoted to leg holding duty while Johnny rapes her.
The rape is, an I'm sure I won't find much opposition this time, horrific, we see most of it while the camera is trained on Jennifer's face, and I have to offer kudos to Camille Keaton at this point, who does look genuinely humiliated, terrified and pained.
That said, when she is allowed to go free, I found myself thinking "is that it" - not because here ordeal wasn't horrific, but because it wasn't as horrific by movie standards as I had expected.
Unfortunately , for the next half hour or so, we see her tracked recaptured, raped and beaten again and again - even once she reaches the "safty" of her rented home from home; Mathew is eventually coerced into taking his "turn" (although can't preform under the conditions) and things get so bad that she offers to give the last guy a hand job, just to avoid being raped again.
When they are quite finished, Mathew is sent back into the house, to kill her - which, again, he cannot bring himself to do, and so he lies.
You may have noticed that up until this point my review has been lacking its usual sarcastic edge, usually only absent when the movie was good; make no mistake, this movie was not "good" - it's just that the subject matter does not lend itself to snark.
Rest assured that the following half hour of the movie is outright stupid, Jenifer's revenge involves (separately) seducing the members of the gang and killing them.
When this works with Mathew (Who she actually sleeps with again - not sure I buy that) I can accept it; he's a retard; However I'm not entirely convinced that Johnny would be so easily fooled. I get that you have to be at least a bit lacking in the head department to think that raping someone is a good plan. however that same person came onto me, ran be a bath, got in it with me and started masturbating me, I'd like to think alarm bells would go off - I'd also like to think that when she (quite rightly) chopped my dick off, I'd notice before I saw the blood, not just think that the hand-job was "so good it hurts" . Further, one of the guys only dies because he after realizing that Jennifer is out for revenge, he literally grabs onto the outboard motor of a speedboat she is driving!!!
Another problem with the kills is the order of them. The castration of the leader should by rights have been the dramatic climax of the movie; both for the fact that he was the leader, and the obvious 'symbolism' (if you can call it that) of castrating a rapist - instead he's the second kill, which then gives the feeling that the other 2 are more or less "clean up" and that the peak has passed.
Another problem with the kills is the order of them. The castration of the leader should by rights have been the dramatic climax of the movie; both for the fact that he was the leader, and the obvious 'symbolism' (if you can call it that) of castrating a rapist - instead he's the second kill, which then gives the feeling that the other 2 are more or less "clean up" and that the peak has passed.
All in all though, killing order and extreme stupidity aside, it's fairly competently made, and (With the exception of the characiture that is Mathew) reasonably acted, so if you think you might enjoy 20 mins of setup, 40 mins of a woman being raped and half an hour of stupid people dying in stupid ways, knock yourself out.
No really... do!
Body Count: 4
Boob Count: 1 pair
Animal Body Count: 0
Most memorable Death: Turns out an outboard motor isn't a great ladder...
Please use the comments bellow only to comment on this post - to write your own review, please comment on the main post for this movie.
Saturday, 7 April 2012
I Miss You, Hugs and Kisses - Will's Review
Before considering watching this film, I want you to read the first part of this review. There are spoilers later in this review, as always but there's some highlight to read text coming up that, although it may be considered a spoiler, I really think you should know before agreeing to committing and hour and a half of your life.
Ready? okay, highlight this [ This is a whodunit where YOU NEVER FIND OUT WHO DID IT!!!].
Yeah, Really!
*****More spoilers to follow*****
I commented way back in Week 5 that blood is, as we are so often told, thicker than water, and as such one cannot get away with using red water as blood; no such problems here - the opening kill seems to work on the idea that blood is thicker than custard - a pipe to the head seems to result in red emulation paint pouring from under the victim's hairline!
Seven whole minutes into the movie, a text crawls informs us that the movie we are "about to see"(!) is based on a true story - then has the lamest disclaimer you've ever seen (To paraphrase "except in so far as it isn't") - see the end of the review for this text's reprise.
The biggest problem here, besides it's utter dullnes and lack of resolution, is the way the film jumps all over the place - It starts with a murder, then jumps to the trial of the (supposed) killer - the victims husband, then it's flashbacks based on testimony (including the cardinal sin of flashbacks - flashbacks to things that the person speaking wasn't present for) so next we're in wartime Hungary, then a party where the guy's wife is still alive, then they meet, then the marriage is on the rocks - all without warning.
Come to think of it, even the trail itself is jumbled - the first trail scene has the judge asking if the prisoner has anything to say before sentence is passed, but later in the film we here from witnesses - an the jury presenting their decision near the end of the film is played as a point of drama, despite the fact that we already know he will be sentenced. What. A. Mess.
The only point in the movie during which I was remotely entertained is presented here, to save you the effort of watching the rest of the "movie" (bear in mind that these guys are best friends):
There's a go-nowhere subplot about a murderer who escapes a home for the criminally insane - we see him kill (THEN rape - eew) a girl we have never seen before, and then he's actually called to our guy's trail based on the fact that the location of the murder - in the victims own home - was a bit close to the site of his murders.
The police investigation is carried out so badly that ANY lawyer ,including Lionel Hutz or Ted Buckland, could have got it thrown out of court! The police promise key suspects immunity to wear a wire, strip the body naked at the scene before (glovelessly) cramming them into an evidence bag, and pull out the victims fingernails (!) and bag them without a pathologist present. Oh, and the entire justice system fails to notice that the husband is out shopping with his daughter and the victims cousin at the time of the murder!
I suspect that this movie was originally a lot more chronological, but they realized it was dull and (mistakenly) thought that shuffling it would make it more interesting.
Fun Fact: The movie Men In Black originally had an extra sub plot, which didn't test well and was removed in post production, obviously one cannot simply cut a subplot and have everything else just work out, so re-shoots are usually needed - in the case of MiB this was avoided by re-dubbing a talking dog, and changing some subtitles and the display of a large viewscreen. Why do I mention this here? I suspect that a similar clever bit of editing may have happened in this movie.
See if you can spot the oh-so-smooth dialogue removal in the following scene:
All in all the whole thing is a shambles which, despite having far too many sub-plots and suspects, manages to be confusig, dull and frustrating in roughly equal measures.
Oh, and in-case we missed the bizarre information / disclaimer crawl at the (kind of) begging of the film, the text is repeated again after the credits:
Body Count: 5 (2 'real' plus 3 in dream sequences)
Boob Count: 2 pairs
Animal Body Count: Countless chickens in slaughterhouse footage.
Most memorable death: Paint-headed pinata woman.
Please use the comments bellow only to comment on this post - to write your own review, please comment on the main post for this movie.
Ready? okay, highlight this [ This is a whodunit where YOU NEVER FIND OUT WHO DID IT!!!].
Yeah, Really!
*****More spoilers to follow*****
I commented way back in Week 5 that blood is, as we are so often told, thicker than water, and as such one cannot get away with using red water as blood; no such problems here - the opening kill seems to work on the idea that blood is thicker than custard - a pipe to the head seems to result in red emulation paint pouring from under the victim's hairline!
Seven whole minutes into the movie, a text crawls informs us that the movie we are "about to see"(!) is based on a true story - then has the lamest disclaimer you've ever seen (To paraphrase "except in so far as it isn't") - see the end of the review for this text's reprise.
The biggest problem here, besides it's utter dullnes and lack of resolution, is the way the film jumps all over the place - It starts with a murder, then jumps to the trial of the (supposed) killer - the victims husband, then it's flashbacks based on testimony (including the cardinal sin of flashbacks - flashbacks to things that the person speaking wasn't present for) so next we're in wartime Hungary, then a party where the guy's wife is still alive, then they meet, then the marriage is on the rocks - all without warning.
Come to think of it, even the trail itself is jumbled - the first trail scene has the judge asking if the prisoner has anything to say before sentence is passed, but later in the film we here from witnesses - an the jury presenting their decision near the end of the film is played as a point of drama, despite the fact that we already know he will be sentenced. What. A. Mess.
The only point in the movie during which I was remotely entertained is presented here, to save you the effort of watching the rest of the "movie" (bear in mind that these guys are best friends):
Well... This is awkward...
There's a go-nowhere subplot about a murderer who escapes a home for the criminally insane - we see him kill (THEN rape - eew) a girl we have never seen before, and then he's actually called to our guy's trail based on the fact that the location of the murder - in the victims own home - was a bit close to the site of his murders.
The police investigation is carried out so badly that ANY lawyer ,including Lionel Hutz or Ted Buckland, could have got it thrown out of court! The police promise key suspects immunity to wear a wire, strip the body naked at the scene before (glovelessly) cramming them into an evidence bag, and pull out the victims fingernails (!) and bag them without a pathologist present. Oh, and the entire justice system fails to notice that the husband is out shopping with his daughter and the victims cousin at the time of the murder!
I suspect that this movie was originally a lot more chronological, but they realized it was dull and (mistakenly) thought that shuffling it would make it more interesting.
Fun Fact: The movie Men In Black originally had an extra sub plot, which didn't test well and was removed in post production, obviously one cannot simply cut a subplot and have everything else just work out, so re-shoots are usually needed - in the case of MiB this was avoided by re-dubbing a talking dog, and changing some subtitles and the display of a large viewscreen. Why do I mention this here? I suspect that a similar clever bit of editing may have happened in this movie.
See if you can spot the oh-so-smooth dialogue removal in the following scene:
Seamless, ain't it?
All in all the whole thing is a shambles which, despite having far too many sub-plots and suspects, manages to be confusig, dull and frustrating in roughly equal measures.
Oh, and in-case we missed the bizarre information / disclaimer crawl at the (kind of) begging of the film, the text is repeated again after the credits:
It's fiction... apart from the bits which are true... which may also be fiction...
Body Count: 5 (2 'real' plus 3 in dream sequences)
Boob Count: 2 pairs
Animal Body Count: Countless chickens in slaughterhouse footage.
Most memorable death: Paint-headed pinata woman.
Please use the comments bellow only to comment on this post - to write your own review, please comment on the main post for this movie.
Saturday, 31 March 2012
Human Experiments - Will's Review
With a title like that I expected this to either be, or attempt to be, incredibly nasty, Perhaps detailing atrocities similar to those committed at Unit 731, or at very least something akin to the Nasty Nazi movies we have seen so far.
And yet, once again, I am made to fondly look back on trash like The Beast In Heat as "the good old days"...
Our Heroin is accused of a mass-murder she didn't commit (and which a simple print-dusting and ballistics analysis would have cleared her of - she never touched the gun that was used in the killings) and sent to the world most lax prison.
We never see her trail, but she arrives at prison in a red dress, heeled shoes and a necklace - clothes clearly unsuitable for court or prisoner transport.
Once she arrives, her and the other new arrivals are showered and given their prison uniforms (fetching blue numbers). What follows is mostly like a very, very, dull version of Prisoner: Cell Block H, except with a secret lab in the basement.
And that's where things should get interesting...but don't.
The only "Human Experiment" on display, is one where women are reduced to a child-like state (we don't see how) in order that they can be 'raised' properly, thus re-rehabilitation. as best i can tell, the extent of this 'raising' is asking them to locate a cut-out of Mickey Mouse's head, among an assortment of geometric shapes, and occasionally being presented with a 'grown up' meal, to see how well they eat their mashed potatoes.
There are only 14 minuets left of the film before our heroin gets involved in (or even learns of) the experiments, and before that point we only see them twice; the rest of the film is literally nothing more than women doing prison stuff - Tending the garden, playing arcade games in the rec room for boxes of sweets (no cigarettes, although some of them do smoke), taking roll call... dull!
And either I blinked and missed him, or we didn't even get the strange dwarf dude promised on one of the video covers I found online:
Please use the comments bellow only to comment on this post - to write your own review, please comment on the main post for this movie.
And yet, once again, I am made to fondly look back on trash like The Beast In Heat as "the good old days"...
Our Heroin is accused of a mass-murder she didn't commit (and which a simple print-dusting and ballistics analysis would have cleared her of - she never touched the gun that was used in the killings) and sent to the world most lax prison.
We never see her trail, but she arrives at prison in a red dress, heeled shoes and a necklace - clothes clearly unsuitable for court or prisoner transport.
Once she arrives, her and the other new arrivals are showered and given their prison uniforms (fetching blue numbers). What follows is mostly like a very, very, dull version of Prisoner: Cell Block H, except with a secret lab in the basement.
And that's where things should get interesting...but don't.
The only "Human Experiment" on display, is one where women are reduced to a child-like state (we don't see how) in order that they can be 'raised' properly, thus re-rehabilitation. as best i can tell, the extent of this 'raising' is asking them to locate a cut-out of Mickey Mouse's head, among an assortment of geometric shapes, and occasionally being presented with a 'grown up' meal, to see how well they eat their mashed potatoes.
There are only 14 minuets left of the film before our heroin gets involved in (or even learns of) the experiments, and before that point we only see them twice; the rest of the film is literally nothing more than women doing prison stuff - Tending the garden, playing arcade games in the rec room for boxes of sweets (no cigarettes, although some of them do smoke), taking roll call... dull!
And either I blinked and missed him, or we didn't even get the strange dwarf dude promised on one of the video covers I found online:
Sadly, This appears to be a different movie.
Body Count: 4
Boob Count: 4
Animal Body Count: countless insect specimens are on display, and a few bugs probably get squished, but not close-up enough to confirm.
Most Memorable Death: Just Hangin' in her cell...Please use the comments bellow only to comment on this post - to write your own review, please comment on the main post for this movie.
Saturday, 3 March 2012
Saturday, 14 January 2012
Evilspeak - Will's Review
I'd like to start by saying I really did enjoy this week's movie - I know it's a little weird to give my conclusion at the start of a review, but the thing is; on paper, it's a pretty shitty movie, as a result anything I can say about it is likely to sound like I didn't enjoy it, so unwanted to clear that up before I start.
So, why should it suck?
Well, for one thing it's like a checklist for 80's teen horror movie villein clichés. Our main character is an orphaned, unpopular (save for one close friend), bullied computer wiz. If he only listened to heavy metal and played Dungeons and Dragons, I do believe we'd have a full house.
Young Coopersmith (the aforementioned main character) is in military school, and finds himself on report rather a lot - usually as a result of his bullies' actions, which means he spends as much time taking out the rubbish, or tending to the schools psychotic killer pigs (yes, the military school has a farm full of angry pigs) as he does in class. One particular punishment he receives is to clear out the chapel basement.
But this is no ordinary military chapel - it seems that, in the days of the inquisition, a priest by the name of Esteban was banished, not only from the church, but from all of Spain, for turning to Satan. On arrival in the new world Esteban built a church - years later an entire military school was built around it (!).
And so, while clearing the basement, Coppersmith finds an entire room that no one knew was there (including 'sarge'; the mad and potentially violent old guy who the school allows to live in the basement) in the room he finds some of Esteban 's relics, including a notebook.
After knicking one of the schools computers and sneaking it down into the basement (I never said that this movie didn't require you to suspend disbelief) Coopersmith sets too translating the Latin notebook into English - and in doing so, frees an evil force into the computer.
There are a couple of deaths along the way (the school secretary steals the notebook at one point, and is eaten by pigs for her trouble) but the action really doesn't kick off until literally the movie's last nine minutes!
At one point my partner (who refuses to watch these things) asked how my film was, prompting me to say "I'm half way through, nothing nasty has happened, this thing was prosecuted and not passed uncut for 20 years - there'd better be a fucking bloodbath on the way!"
Sadly, there isn't - there's quite a body count (unusually for these things, Coopersmith even takes out some people who didn't particually do anything to him) but it isn't as graphic as you would want, given the length of time it holds out to get there.
The odd pacing doesn't hurt the film though, as it has 90 minutes to mess around with things modern audiences just don't have time for (things like 'character development' and 'setup') and I never actually found by self being board.
Oh, and if some of Coopersmith's mannerisms seem familiar; that's probably because the actor seems to channel his brother, big-shot director and one time Ritchie Cunningham, Ron Howard.
Body Count: 12
Boob Count: 2 pairs
Animal Body Count: 1
Most Memorable Death: When a zombie takes heart...
Please use the comments bellow only to comment on this post - to write your own review, please comment on the main post for this movie.
So, why should it suck?
Well, for one thing it's like a checklist for 80's teen horror movie villein clichés. Our main character is an orphaned, unpopular (save for one close friend), bullied computer wiz. If he only listened to heavy metal and played Dungeons and Dragons, I do believe we'd have a full house.
Young Coopersmith (the aforementioned main character) is in military school, and finds himself on report rather a lot - usually as a result of his bullies' actions, which means he spends as much time taking out the rubbish, or tending to the schools psychotic killer pigs (yes, the military school has a farm full of angry pigs) as he does in class. One particular punishment he receives is to clear out the chapel basement.
But this is no ordinary military chapel - it seems that, in the days of the inquisition, a priest by the name of Esteban was banished, not only from the church, but from all of Spain, for turning to Satan. On arrival in the new world Esteban built a church - years later an entire military school was built around it (!).
And so, while clearing the basement, Coppersmith finds an entire room that no one knew was there (including 'sarge'; the mad and potentially violent old guy who the school allows to live in the basement) in the room he finds some of Esteban 's relics, including a notebook.
After knicking one of the schools computers and sneaking it down into the basement (I never said that this movie didn't require you to suspend disbelief) Coopersmith sets too translating the Latin notebook into English - and in doing so, frees an evil force into the computer.
Y'know... He has a point.
There are a couple of deaths along the way (the school secretary steals the notebook at one point, and is eaten by pigs for her trouble) but the action really doesn't kick off until literally the movie's last nine minutes!
At one point my partner (who refuses to watch these things) asked how my film was, prompting me to say "I'm half way through, nothing nasty has happened, this thing was prosecuted and not passed uncut for 20 years - there'd better be a fucking bloodbath on the way!"
Sadly, there isn't - there's quite a body count (unusually for these things, Coopersmith even takes out some people who didn't particually do anything to him) but it isn't as graphic as you would want, given the length of time it holds out to get there.
I can't be the only one who cringes when someone
in a horror movie has a dog...
The odd pacing doesn't hurt the film though, as it has 90 minutes to mess around with things modern audiences just don't have time for (things like 'character development' and 'setup') and I never actually found by self being board.
Oh, and if some of Coopersmith's mannerisms seem familiar; that's probably because the actor seems to channel his brother, big-shot director and one time Ritchie Cunningham, Ron Howard.
Body Count: 12
Boob Count: 2 pairs
Animal Body Count: 1
Most Memorable Death: When a zombie takes heart...
Please use the comments bellow only to comment on this post - to write your own review, please comment on the main post for this movie.
Saturday, 31 December 2011
Driller Killer - Will's Review
An odd one this week, that I think fancies itself as an art movie, with some lingering (Carefully composed) shots, and extended musical cutaways.
It centres around Reno - an artist who lives in a studio apartment with his girlfriend and his girlfriend's girlfriend (yes, really). Reno is broke, but working on a "masterpiece" that he believes will change all that... Oh, and he's going slowly mad.
I say "going mad", "Going madder" would probably be more appropriate, as he is obviously not entirely untroubled from the beginning of the movie, having a serious aversion to homeless people, and being prone to violent outbursts at the slightest provocation. Oh, and a love of the word "man".
Reno's already tenuous grip on reality isn't helped what a No-Wave / Punk band move into the studio below his and use it as a rehearsal room - apparently to rehears just one song.
I quite liked the band, but I do have a lot of time for down-and-dirty garage punk, so your mileage may vary, but even I got board of hearing the same song - with 2 or 3 more, the music angle could really have helped this film along, but alas, it was not to be...
Somewhere in the mists of all this, the lead singer of The Roosters (the aforementioned band) commissions a portrait, Which Reno somehow manages to paint despite his subject dancing around singing from Crowley's Goetia when he's supposed to be posing, and then shagging Reno's girlfriend right in front of him...
A big turning point for Reno is when he catches a TV advert for a "Power-Pak"; you see, battery drills weren't up to much back then, but the "Power pak" is a (20 dollar!) 110v battery with enough amp-age to run any plug-in appliance, including electric heaters and, of course, power tools! Armed with a Power-Pak and his trusty drill, Reno goes on a rampage through New-York's homeless population.
Murder seems to give him the munchies, as at one point he manages to start a row by eating most of a large pizza, then asking his girlfriend is she want's a bite with peppers - thus causing her to sling a slice at his head and storm off (!) whatever, he obviously feel bad about this, as he paints her a beautiful apology picture:
I won't ruin the end, as the movie is so readily available to watch for free, But I'd just like to say (although it seems an odd thing to say especially here) that the murders add NOTHING to the film and, in fact, it would have been a more compelling movie without them...
Body Count: 12
Boob Count: 2 Pairs
Animal Body Count: 1
Most Memorable Death: The first (where he appears to be dry-humping the tramp while killing him)
Please use the comments bellow only to comment on this post - to write your own review, please comment on the main post for this movie.
It centres around Reno - an artist who lives in a studio apartment with his girlfriend and his girlfriend's girlfriend (yes, really). Reno is broke, but working on a "masterpiece" that he believes will change all that... Oh, and he's going slowly mad.
I say "going mad", "Going madder" would probably be more appropriate, as he is obviously not entirely untroubled from the beginning of the movie, having a serious aversion to homeless people, and being prone to violent outbursts at the slightest provocation. Oh, and a love of the word "man".
A balanced man, that one!
Reno's already tenuous grip on reality isn't helped what a No-Wave / Punk band move into the studio below his and use it as a rehearsal room - apparently to rehears just one song.
I quite liked the band, but I do have a lot of time for down-and-dirty garage punk, so your mileage may vary, but even I got board of hearing the same song - with 2 or 3 more, the music angle could really have helped this film along, but alas, it was not to be...
Somewhere in the mists of all this, the lead singer of The Roosters (the aforementioned band) commissions a portrait, Which Reno somehow manages to paint despite his subject dancing around singing from Crowley's Goetia when he's supposed to be posing, and then shagging Reno's girlfriend right in front of him...
A big turning point for Reno is when he catches a TV advert for a "Power-Pak"; you see, battery drills weren't up to much back then, but the "Power pak" is a (20 dollar!) 110v battery with enough amp-age to run any plug-in appliance, including electric heaters and, of course, power tools! Armed with a Power-Pak and his trusty drill, Reno goes on a rampage through New-York's homeless population.
Murder seems to give him the munchies, as at one point he manages to start a row by eating most of a large pizza, then asking his girlfriend is she want's a bite with peppers - thus causing her to sling a slice at his head and storm off (!) whatever, he obviously feel bad about this, as he paints her a beautiful apology picture:
No, honestly, his other stuff is rally quite good...
I won't ruin the end, as the movie is so readily available to watch for free, But I'd just like to say (although it seems an odd thing to say especially here) that the murders add NOTHING to the film and, in fact, it would have been a more compelling movie without them...
Body Count: 12
Boob Count: 2 Pairs
Animal Body Count: 1
Most Memorable Death: The first (where he appears to be dry-humping the tramp while killing him)
Please use the comments bellow only to comment on this post - to write your own review, please comment on the main post for this movie.
Saturday, 10 December 2011
Don't go near the park - Will's Review
SPOLERS
12,000 Years ago a tribal elder gets pissed off at her son and daughter, and curses them - already things are a little mad here; Their crime is killing children in order to gain eternal life and youth, the punishment is... Eternal life, with the option of killing children in order to stay young! - That'll learn 'em!
Even stranger, the Curse includes 10x aging speed (so.. they'll have to kill more often then!) AND a get out clause, whereby if a virgin (one bread half of the Tribe and half of a mortal) is sacrificed in 12,000 years (there's an astrological significance) they get to keep their life AND youth forever!
11,984 years later (or 16 years ago) the brother and sister decide that he should find a woman to give him a child to use as the sacrifice (why the sister doesn't find a man to give her one I don't understand, she could have a plethora of one-night stands to ensure pregnancy, and custody would be easy... oh, whatever), so he meets, charms, marries and impregnates a mortal woman, nipping off to the part the whole time to eat young people and maintain his youth.
The next 16 years are a brief montage, until we reach the film proper; The sister is living in a shack in the park (the park is on the site of the films opening, which makes me wonder what these Caucasian people were doing in America in about 10,000BC), the park is rumoured to be cursed (which even in the 1970's is apparently enough to keep people out), the brother hates his wife, and his daughter is a young woman.
If anything the film is too full - the basic story isn't great, but it isn't terrible, but the film-makers are far too busy telling other plots: the sister (from her shack in the woods) seems to run a centre for runaways; she lives with an 8 year old necrophiliac (see clip) and a "hunky" 16 year old called 'cowboy', after a compleatly superfluous attempted rape scene, she takes in Bondi (Her niece, although Bondi doesn't know it). On top of that, the 8 year old befriends a writer, who just happens to be working on a history of the park.
Speaking of the superfluous attempted rape scene; Bondi (not the brightest girl) accepts a lift from 3 strangers (all men) in a van with painted out rear windows. No sooner are they on the road than two of them are groping her, eventually pulling her into the back of the van in order to... forcefully kiss her neck and chest (through her blouse, even though they have torn it open)... More offensive than the scene itself though is that just a short time later (after dreaming the entire opening of the film) she's recovered completely, and starts hitting on 'Cowboy'!
Probably as a result of it's being overcrowded, the film seems to lurch and stagger forward, giving the impression that short connecting scenes have been cut - for instance, Bondi is running from the wreckage of a crash and then, without warning, she's following a dog into an abandoned shack...
And then, at the story's climax, our immortals suddenly have Super powers - It's a moment of 100% WFT (not from concentrate) - out of nowhere, she can start fires with her mind, and he can control animals and shoot lasers from his eyes?!? Its like a scene from a different movie with the same actors!
The effects are sub-hammer, the acting bearable (barley) and the film goes on for what feels like about 15 mins (actually 5) after iot should rightly have ended. Oh, and the last shot of the movie is spoiled on the poster!
All in all, I wouldn't advise you to run screaming form this one, but I wouldn't come close to recommending it either...
Body Count: 10
Boob Count: 3 Pairs
Animal Body Count: 0
Most Memorable Death: Exploding rape-van
Please use the comments bellow only to comment on this post - to write your own review, please comment on the main post for this movie.
12,000 Years ago a tribal elder gets pissed off at her son and daughter, and curses them - already things are a little mad here; Their crime is killing children in order to gain eternal life and youth, the punishment is... Eternal life, with the option of killing children in order to stay young! - That'll learn 'em!
Even stranger, the Curse includes 10x aging speed (so.. they'll have to kill more often then!) AND a get out clause, whereby if a virgin (one bread half of the Tribe and half of a mortal) is sacrificed in 12,000 years (there's an astrological significance) they get to keep their life AND youth forever!
11,984 years later (or 16 years ago) the brother and sister decide that he should find a woman to give him a child to use as the sacrifice (why the sister doesn't find a man to give her one I don't understand, she could have a plethora of one-night stands to ensure pregnancy, and custody would be easy... oh, whatever), so he meets, charms, marries and impregnates a mortal woman, nipping off to the part the whole time to eat young people and maintain his youth.
The next 16 years are a brief montage, until we reach the film proper; The sister is living in a shack in the park (the park is on the site of the films opening, which makes me wonder what these Caucasian people were doing in America in about 10,000BC), the park is rumoured to be cursed (which even in the 1970's is apparently enough to keep people out), the brother hates his wife, and his daughter is a young woman.
If anything the film is too full - the basic story isn't great, but it isn't terrible, but the film-makers are far too busy telling other plots: the sister (from her shack in the woods) seems to run a centre for runaways; she lives with an 8 year old necrophiliac (see clip) and a "hunky" 16 year old called 'cowboy', after a compleatly superfluous attempted rape scene, she takes in Bondi (Her niece, although Bondi doesn't know it). On top of that, the 8 year old befriends a writer, who just happens to be working on a history of the park.
Oh, Well THAT'S aright then!!!
Speaking of the superfluous attempted rape scene; Bondi (not the brightest girl) accepts a lift from 3 strangers (all men) in a van with painted out rear windows. No sooner are they on the road than two of them are groping her, eventually pulling her into the back of the van in order to... forcefully kiss her neck and chest (through her blouse, even though they have torn it open)... More offensive than the scene itself though is that just a short time later (after dreaming the entire opening of the film) she's recovered completely, and starts hitting on 'Cowboy'!
Probably as a result of it's being overcrowded, the film seems to lurch and stagger forward, giving the impression that short connecting scenes have been cut - for instance, Bondi is running from the wreckage of a crash and then, without warning, she's following a dog into an abandoned shack...
And then, at the story's climax, our immortals suddenly have Super powers - It's a moment of 100% WFT (not from concentrate) - out of nowhere, she can start fires with her mind, and he can control animals and shoot lasers from his eyes?!? Its like a scene from a different movie with the same actors!
The effects are sub-hammer, the acting bearable (barley) and the film goes on for what feels like about 15 mins (actually 5) after iot should rightly have ended. Oh, and the last shot of the movie is spoiled on the poster!
All in all, I wouldn't advise you to run screaming form this one, but I wouldn't come close to recommending it either...
Body Count: 10
Boob Count: 3 Pairs
Animal Body Count: 0
Most Memorable Death: Exploding rape-van
Please use the comments bellow only to comment on this post - to write your own review, please comment on the main post for this movie.
Sunday, 4 December 2011
Don't Go Into The Woods - Will's review.
A whole bunch of people appear (I can't even use the word "introduced") and get killed, usually off camera, by an unseen assailent.
This is interspersed by the 4 worst actors in the world, who are on a hiking camping trip. The 2 men are a general prick, and an an insufferable know-all, and the 2 women have no personality at all, but one of them looks like a Ginger Justin Beiber.
Eventually they cross the killers path.
Having kept the killer of screen for almost half the movie, you'de hop for a good reveal - no such luck; its just a 'wild man' who likes to dress as a wookie with a weird bead/hair... THING on his face:
Really REALLY bad movie.
Oddly the entire thing sounds overdubbed, but it's in it's original language, so I can only guess that they didn't have a boom mic, and the on-camera mic didn't produce usable audio, but seriously the ENTIRE film sounds like a comedy-dub without jokes.
We interrupt this review for competition news: the fourth and final word you will need to enter to win a copy of "Don't look in the Basement" is "NASTY". Deatails on how to ender will appear on the VNAW feacebook page, and now, back to the review....
The only (and I do mean ONLY) 2 good things about the movie are presented bellow: the one decent gore shot, and the hilarious theme song that plays over the closing credits.
Oh, and at the end of the movie we see a baby (who the killer inexplicably took, rather than killing) hacking at the floor with a hatchet - I expect we are supposed to assume she will survive into adulthood and be the next killer... or something.
Please use the comments bellow only to comment on this post - to write your own review, please comment on the main post for this movie.
This is interspersed by the 4 worst actors in the world, who are on a hiking camping trip. The 2 men are a general prick, and an an insufferable know-all, and the 2 women have no personality at all, but one of them looks like a Ginger Justin Beiber.
Eventually they cross the killers path.
Having kept the killer of screen for almost half the movie, you'de hop for a good reveal - no such luck; its just a 'wild man' who likes to dress as a wookie with a weird bead/hair... THING on his face:
Really REALLY bad movie.
Oddly the entire thing sounds overdubbed, but it's in it's original language, so I can only guess that they didn't have a boom mic, and the on-camera mic didn't produce usable audio, but seriously the ENTIRE film sounds like a comedy-dub without jokes.
We interrupt this review for competition news: the fourth and final word you will need to enter to win a copy of "Don't look in the Basement" is "NASTY". Deatails on how to ender will appear on the VNAW feacebook page, and now, back to the review....
The only (and I do mean ONLY) 2 good things about the movie are presented bellow: the one decent gore shot, and the hilarious theme song that plays over the closing credits.
Oh, and at the end of the movie we see a baby (who the killer inexplicably took, rather than killing) hacking at the floor with a hatchet - I expect we are supposed to assume she will survive into adulthood and be the next killer... or something.
I don't know who "Angie Brown" is,
but I suspect she's blowing the credits guy...
Body Count: 15
Boob Count: 0
Animal Body Count: 0
Most Memorable Death: VW Window Face-plant.
Please use the comments bellow only to comment on this post - to write your own review, please comment on the main post for this movie.
Saturday, 12 November 2011
Delirium - Will's Review
Well, after 5 weeks away from the DPP list, we're back on the Nasties and what a film to come back to; as though trying to make up for lost time, Delirium is like 2 crap movies for the price of one! I wouldn't be at all surprised to learn that this movie started off as 2 scripts (or at the very least, 2 ideas for scripts) that were given a little connecting dialogue in order to combine them to movie length.
Movie one is a slasher about a Nam Vet who goes on a woman-killing spree. Movie 2 is about a business man who is caught up in an underground organisation that tracks down killers and rapists who have escaped justice, and delivers what the court system could not. Both are under written, and neither are any good.
The glue that hold these 2 plots vaguly together is the worlds most casual police investigation, and the fact that Charlie (the slasher from movie one) is an ex-army buddy of the vigilantly group's chairman, and that the group recently hired him to take out a bad guy (before he flipped and started killing random women).
This 3rd (half) plot contributes to the movie's only redeeming feature; a little (and I do mean little) unintentional comedy. At one point, our 2 cops happily carry on their casual (and somewhat callous) crime-scene chit-chat while the victims body is still pinned to the wall, and her flat mate is sat right behind them on the sofa crying!
The worlds laziest police investigation, consists mostly of asking a civilian (the aforementioned crying room mate) to "keep an eye on" her boss, who the police believe to be involved in the spate of murders (he is in fact, part of the vigilant group).
The rest of the movies (still unintentional) humour comes from the use of it's main theme, a piece of music called "Approaching Menace", you probably didn't know the piece's title, but I'll bet you know the tune...
So it's bad, but only very occasionally and enough to be entertaining, and the gore / nudity / sex / anything else that might make it watchable or help me understand its time on the DPP list is virtually absent.
Put it this way; how bad does a movie have to be to have been banned, but STILL remain obscure enough to not get a Wikipedia entry?!?
Body Count: 18 (mostly in Vietnam Flashbacks)
Animal Body Count: 0
Boob Count: 3
Most Memorable Death: Pitch fork off!
Please use the comments bellow only to comment on this post - to write your own review, please comment on the main post for this movie.
Movie one is a slasher about a Nam Vet who goes on a woman-killing spree. Movie 2 is about a business man who is caught up in an underground organisation that tracks down killers and rapists who have escaped justice, and delivers what the court system could not. Both are under written, and neither are any good.
The glue that hold these 2 plots vaguly together is the worlds most casual police investigation, and the fact that Charlie (the slasher from movie one) is an ex-army buddy of the vigilantly group's chairman, and that the group recently hired him to take out a bad guy (before he flipped and started killing random women).
This 3rd (half) plot contributes to the movie's only redeeming feature; a little (and I do mean little) unintentional comedy. At one point, our 2 cops happily carry on their casual (and somewhat callous) crime-scene chit-chat while the victims body is still pinned to the wall, and her flat mate is sat right behind them on the sofa crying!
The worlds laziest police investigation, consists mostly of asking a civilian (the aforementioned crying room mate) to "keep an eye on" her boss, who the police believe to be involved in the spate of murders (he is in fact, part of the vigilant group).
The rest of the movies (still unintentional) humour comes from the use of it's main theme, a piece of music called "Approaching Menace", you probably didn't know the piece's title, but I'll bet you know the tune...
My specialist subject is "Cluteral differences in musical references,
and their effect on bad movies of the 1970s"
So it's bad, but only very occasionally and enough to be entertaining, and the gore / nudity / sex / anything else that might make it watchable or help me understand its time on the DPP list is virtually absent.
Put it this way; how bad does a movie have to be to have been banned, but STILL remain obscure enough to not get a Wikipedia entry?!?
Body Count: 18 (mostly in Vietnam Flashbacks)
Animal Body Count: 0
Boob Count: 3
Most Memorable Death: Pitch fork off!
Please use the comments bellow only to comment on this post - to write your own review, please comment on the main post for this movie.
Saturday, 22 October 2011
SHOCKTOBER SPECIAL: Mikey - Will's Review
NOTE: In honour of Halloween, We're taking a break from the DPP list.
This weeks movie was selected because (although it was too recent to make the DPP list) it was banned in the 1990's 'Video Nasty' style scare that followed the murder of the murder of James Bulger in 1993. It remains Banned in the UK to this day.
It looks and feels very much like a TV movie - in fact, I don't recall anyone swearing in it, and it's presented in 4:3 - it could actually BE a TV movie...
So, in the opening scenes, Mikey kills his adopted family, pretends a stranger did it, and is quickly re-alloated to a new couple who, for some reason, are not told that Mikey (supposedly) witnessed his last family being murdered - this sounds to me like the kind of information you might want to know about your kid, but hay-ho!
The remainder of the film is spent watching Mikey being just a little disturbed, before slowly degenerating into the calculating psychopath we already know him to be.
He momentarily flips at one point and (deliberately) allows his adopted mother to catch him watching his home-made video of carnage, which annoyed me, and was out of character, especially as he resorted just as quickly to his calmly sadistic self.
There's a VERY uncomfortable scene where the neighbours eldest (a girl in her late teens / early twenties) is blatantly flirting with the 10 year old Mikey!
If the sexes were reversed, I could probably be arrested for posting this!
All in all a lacklustre affair, Killer kid movies have been done FAR better!
Body Count: 9
Animal Body Count: 2
Boob Count: 1 pair (just)
Most Memorable Death: Batter Up!
Please use the comments bellow only to comment on this post - to write your own review, please comment on the main post for this movie.
Saturday, 8 October 2011
SHOCKTOBER SPECIAL: Shogun Assassin - Will's Review
NOTE: In honour of Halloween, We're taking a break from the DPP list.
This weeks movie was selected because (although it never made the list) it was often seized by the police during DPP raids, and is often mistakenly listed as a "Video Nasty".
*Spoilers - But probably not that many*
This has, without question, the highest body count of ANY of the movies we've watched so far for this; in fact, other than war or disaster movies, I can only think of Peter Jackson's 'Braindead' that might have more.
70 on screen kills.
On a movie that (without end credits) is only 78 minutes long!
That's almost one kill every 66 seconds!
How then, does in manage to be so very dull...
Well, in a way, the high body count IS to blaim. It's so high, and Lone Wolf's (the titular assassin) slaying of his enemies so swift, that the 'fight' scenes are generally over in one or two swipes of his katana, leaving the action scenes severally lacking.
The poor action(less) scenes are particularly problematic when you consider that, beyond the perfunctory intro narrated in annoying child-actor voice, the film has virtually no plot.
Lone wolf used to work as a killer for the Shogun, he was too good at his job, and the Shogun sent ninja (plural) to kill him - they killed his wife by mistake. he is now on the run (child in tow) with various ninja (again, plural) continually being sent to finish the job... and continually failing.
At one point, a ninja sneaks in the night, steals the kid, then uses the kid as bait, rather than just killing Lone Wolf in his sleep; what's the deal with that? I guess that killing a man in his bed isn't honourable, but I don't see the honour in kidnapping a toddler...
Aside from that, a bit on a boat, and a bizarre looks-like-it's-going-to-be-a-rape-scene-but-isn't, the film can be summed up in BASIC as follows
10 Lone Wolf pushes baby cart
20 Lone Wolf is attacked, and quickly dispatches attackers
30 Goto 10
oh, and there's occasional duologue, which is usually poor:
Structurally, it's very odd indeed. For the first half of the film, Lone Wolf is more or less aimless - Wondering around the countryside, randomly being attacked, Then he his hired to tale out an evil Lord (who just happens to be the Shoguns brother, and the "battle" between himself and the Lord's body-guards ("The Masters of Death" - easily the coolest characters in the movie), and subsequently, the Lord himself, form the movies "Climax". "Battle" and "Climax" are both in "sarcasm quotes", because they, despite the build up, are dispatched as quickly and easily as any random ninja from any part of the film! The weird structure most likely comes from the fact that Shogun Assassin, is actually a US re-edit and dub of the first two Lone Wolf and Cub movies, however this doesn't explain the lack of climax; if anything there should be two "big" fights in the movie (one for the end of each of the original films), instead the film just kind of... stops.
There's also and a bit where a woman is going to kill Lone Wolf, but doesn't because his kid plays with her tits....
Body Count: 70 (yes, 70)
Boob Count: 2
Animal Body Count: 0
Most Memorable Death: Lady Ninja make the best man-sushi!
Please use the comments bellow only to comment on this post - to write your own review, please comment on the main post for this movie.
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