I'm not one for multiple drafts*, but I do like to spend a while thinking about what kind of thing I want to say in a review long before I put fingers to keyboard**; I'll walk around the house, constructing paragraphs in my head, thinking about if I should mention this bit, and how I can segue from one point to another. This week; I have struggled to find things to say.
The reason for my struggle is the plot, which is unbelievably thin: A photographer / neo-nazi, captures, then rapes and kills a whole bunch of women with fake breasts.
And that's it.
There is what threatens to be a plot; the photographer has a girlfriend, and the girlfriends little sister is suspicious of him, but it goes nowhere.
There are a couple of other go-nowhere scenes that act as though they are about to introduce a plot, but which really exist to put in some horror-icon cameos; Gunner 'Leatherface' Hanson plays a redneck who pimps out his daughter to the photographer, an Tony 'Candyman' Todd plays a video store clerk who the photographer first saves from a hold-up, an then kills.
The gore is well done, and the murders and rapes look real enough, but the acting is atrocious.
Oh, and one more thing; if you are ever planning on killing a couple of women, and you convince them to have a threesome with you, once you're all naked and on the bed, it seems to me that you may as well have your ménage à trois... You can still kill them later. Not this idiot though! He kills them just as things are getting interesting.
Realistic gore is not enough to rescue a movie; for acting, (lack of) plot, and the idiocy of the main character: Avoid!
*Which shoes.
** Which Doesn't
Showing posts with label Boobs. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Boobs. Show all posts
Sunday, 7 July 2013
Saturday, 29 June 2013
Ilsa: She Wolf of the SS - Will's Review
After the Naziploitation movies from the DPP list, I think we were both ready to turn our back on the genre forever; however, a reader on our FaceBook group requested / recommended this one, and so here we are.
I will say, right off the bat, that this is without question the best (or least-bad) Nazi movie we have watched; I'd even go as far as to say I enjoyed this one.
Yes, Big chunks of it were played for titillation (that's half of the appeal if Exploitation movies are your thing after all) but the very worst of the abuse, not so much; When a POW gets raped, we usually see the horror on her face, rather than the pleasure on the face of her attacker (or worse; groin and boob close-ups), and this one actually had a plot!
The usual "Nazis doing experiments" story (which this time dealt mostly with Ilsa's desire to prove that women can tolerate pain better than men) is present and correct, but this time around we have a properly realised escape sub-plot. Admittedly, the escape plan falls apart at the end when most of the prisoners decide to stay and take revenge, rather than actually escape, but points for effort.
I'm not going to actively recommend this one, but I believe its the first movie of its type that I'm not branding "Avoid"
I will say, right off the bat, that this is without question the best (or least-bad) Nazi movie we have watched; I'd even go as far as to say I enjoyed this one.
Yes, Big chunks of it were played for titillation (that's half of the appeal if Exploitation movies are your thing after all) but the very worst of the abuse, not so much; When a POW gets raped, we usually see the horror on her face, rather than the pleasure on the face of her attacker (or worse; groin and boob close-ups), and this one actually had a plot!
The usual "Nazis doing experiments" story (which this time dealt mostly with Ilsa's desire to prove that women can tolerate pain better than men) is present and correct, but this time around we have a properly realised escape sub-plot. Admittedly, the escape plan falls apart at the end when most of the prisoners decide to stay and take revenge, rather than actually escape, but points for effort.
I'm not going to actively recommend this one, but I believe its the first movie of its type that I'm not branding "Avoid"
Saturday, 20 April 2013
Run! Bitch Run! - Will's review
Before watching this weeks movie, I wasn't sure from the trailer if it were an parody of the rape revenge / exploitation movies of the 70's and 80's, or an homage to them.
In truth, it's a love letter to them.
Aside from the fact it was clearly shot on video or DV (rather than film) there is nothing here to tell us that Run! Bitch Run! Is not a genuine 70s exploitation movie; Happily though, the makers spared us the "distressed film" and "dust and scratches" filters, that everyone making an exploitation movie post-Grindhouse seems to think are mandatory.
And yet, for all that, it has a certain... I want to say 'attitude' to it that borders on, but isn't quite irony. I can't say for certain whether this attitude is built into the movie (possible; it does have a Tarantino-lite feel to it) or whether it existed entirely in my head, knowing that this film is just a few years old.
But whether this something that the film has is real or imagined, it certainly results in a fun viewing experience.
Sexual Assault played for titilation is one of the few (staged) things a movie can do to piss me off on taste grounds; but here, when the first assault (a girl-on-girl one) is played this way, I found myself thinking "yeah, exploitation movies were like that, weren't they‽" rather than "sick fuckers - rape is not sexy".
On the subject of sexy - I personally do not understood why some people watch 'real' films in order to see some skin (thats what the internet is for) but if you are the kind of person who watches narrative movies to look at boobies, you won't be disappointed by the first half of this film, during which boobies of all shapes, sizes and colours are flaunted for your viewing pleasure.
Story wise... Well; it's a rape revenge film. 2 girls on a road trip (selling bibles, no less) fall into the hands of a gang of nogoodnicks, and are raped and tortured, I e us killed the other left for dead and... Hell; you know the rest.
As is always the case with these things, it's all in the execution, and I'm happy to say that this one is executed perfectly.
In truth, it's a love letter to them.
Aside from the fact it was clearly shot on video or DV (rather than film) there is nothing here to tell us that Run! Bitch Run! Is not a genuine 70s exploitation movie; Happily though, the makers spared us the "distressed film" and "dust and scratches" filters, that everyone making an exploitation movie post-Grindhouse seems to think are mandatory.
And yet, for all that, it has a certain... I want to say 'attitude' to it that borders on, but isn't quite irony. I can't say for certain whether this attitude is built into the movie (possible; it does have a Tarantino-lite feel to it) or whether it existed entirely in my head, knowing that this film is just a few years old.
But whether this something that the film has is real or imagined, it certainly results in a fun viewing experience.
Sexual Assault played for titilation is one of the few (staged) things a movie can do to piss me off on taste grounds; but here, when the first assault (a girl-on-girl one) is played this way, I found myself thinking "yeah, exploitation movies were like that, weren't they‽" rather than "sick fuckers - rape is not sexy".
On the subject of sexy - I personally do not understood why some people watch 'real' films in order to see some skin (thats what the internet is for) but if you are the kind of person who watches narrative movies to look at boobies, you won't be disappointed by the first half of this film, during which boobies of all shapes, sizes and colours are flaunted for your viewing pleasure.
Story wise... Well; it's a rape revenge film. 2 girls on a road trip (selling bibles, no less) fall into the hands of a gang of nogoodnicks, and are raped and tortured, I e us killed the other left for dead and... Hell; you know the rest.
As is always the case with these things, it's all in the execution, and I'm happy to say that this one is executed perfectly.
Saturday, 29 December 2012
Silent Night, Deadly Night - Will's Review
I've been threatening to watch this one for about 10 years, but never got around to it until a (self imposed) rule on a blog told me I 'Had' to... I don't know what that says about me, but "I'll watch one day..." it is one of the reasons I decided to start blogging the Video Nasties in the first place, and it great that not only did it work, but it's now continuing to work with non DPP movies!
The premise is simple: Age 5, Ricky sees his parents murdered (and his mother molested) by a man in a Santa suit (an armed robber on the run as it happens, but that's by-the-by). 13 years later, having grown up with a hatred of Christmas, and a dread fear of Santa Clause, he is roped into playing Santa when the grotto-santa at the shop he works at calls in sick; This is enough to push Ricky over the edge and (still suited up) goes on a killing spree.
It's a compliantly made, low budget, post FT13th, 80's slasher, with all that entails; Most of the effects are good enough, though none are great, there are a handful (if you'll pardon the expression of gratuitous scenes of topless young ladies, and the "plot" serves mostly to put victims in the path of Ricky and whatever improvised weapon comes to hand (This may be the only movie, and is almost certainly the first movie, where a killer runs someone through with a pair of antlers).
Characters are often introduced and killed in the same scene; a real pet hate of mine in modern movies (if I don't know the characters, why would I care when they are killed) but that somehow works in 80's slashers (where we care more about the killer and the method they are killed).
Dark humor highlights include Ricky (while still working as a grotto-Santa) quietly threatening a child into sitting quietly, while a group of parents look on admiring how great he is with kids, and the moment where he gives a young girl a bloody knife, after checking that she has been good.
My only real gripe with the movie is Ricky's Grandpa; The movie opens with Ricky and his parents visiting Grandpa in a (very empty) care home. While Mum and Dad are out of the room, Grandpa reveals to Ricky that he is only pretending to be catatonic; then he goes on to (deliberately) scare his grandson by telling him that Santa 'punishes' children if they have done anything naughty all year. This is never mentioned again; I don't know about you, but when I find out that a catatonic person in a movie is faking it, I expext some kind of payoff down the line...
Oh, and Ricky has a younger brother, who literally has no job in the movie until a sequel setup is needed at the end.
So, Grandpa and Little brother aside, I straight up loved this movie; A killer Santa Clause is every bit as much fun as it sounds, and is done here much better than in 1980's Christmas Evil (which, to be fair, didn't have the benefit of coming after the Friday sequels, and therefore had no template to steal).
If you are a fan of 80's slashers, I strongly recommend that you put this one on your letter to Santa for next year, and be good, for goodness sake.
The premise is simple: Age 5, Ricky sees his parents murdered (and his mother molested) by a man in a Santa suit (an armed robber on the run as it happens, but that's by-the-by). 13 years later, having grown up with a hatred of Christmas, and a dread fear of Santa Clause, he is roped into playing Santa when the grotto-santa at the shop he works at calls in sick; This is enough to push Ricky over the edge and (still suited up) goes on a killing spree.
It's a compliantly made, low budget, post FT13th, 80's slasher, with all that entails; Most of the effects are good enough, though none are great, there are a handful (if you'll pardon the expression of gratuitous scenes of topless young ladies, and the "plot" serves mostly to put victims in the path of Ricky and whatever improvised weapon comes to hand (This may be the only movie, and is almost certainly the first movie, where a killer runs someone through with a pair of antlers).
Characters are often introduced and killed in the same scene; a real pet hate of mine in modern movies (if I don't know the characters, why would I care when they are killed) but that somehow works in 80's slashers (where we care more about the killer and the method they are killed).
Dark humor highlights include Ricky (while still working as a grotto-Santa) quietly threatening a child into sitting quietly, while a group of parents look on admiring how great he is with kids, and the moment where he gives a young girl a bloody knife, after checking that she has been good.
My only real gripe with the movie is Ricky's Grandpa; The movie opens with Ricky and his parents visiting Grandpa in a (very empty) care home. While Mum and Dad are out of the room, Grandpa reveals to Ricky that he is only pretending to be catatonic; then he goes on to (deliberately) scare his grandson by telling him that Santa 'punishes' children if they have done anything naughty all year. This is never mentioned again; I don't know about you, but when I find out that a catatonic person in a movie is faking it, I expext some kind of payoff down the line...
Oh, and Ricky has a younger brother, who literally has no job in the movie until a sequel setup is needed at the end.
So, Grandpa and Little brother aside, I straight up loved this movie; A killer Santa Clause is every bit as much fun as it sounds, and is done here much better than in 1980's Christmas Evil (which, to be fair, didn't have the benefit of coming after the Friday sequels, and therefore had no template to steal).
If you are a fan of 80's slashers, I strongly recommend that you put this one on your letter to Santa for next year, and be good, for goodness sake.
Saturday, 24 November 2012
Women Behind Bars - Will's Review.
Three guys steal a case of diamonds from a boat, one of the thieves double-crosses (and shoots) the other two, then takes the box home, where it turns out to be empty; his girlfriend then shoots him and goes to Jail, where the inmates may sleep with the warden in exchange for perks.
Saturday, 25 August 2012
SS Experiment Love Camp - Will's Review
Our last Nazi Nasty! Horray! And this one isn't even that bad (by the, admittedly low, standard set by the others anyway).
The basic premise is the same as in all of these things; female POWs are kept at a special camp where they will act as whores to the third Reich, and nasty experiments shall be run on them.
The basic premise is the same as in all of these things; female POWs are kept at a special camp where they will act as whores to the third Reich, and nasty experiments shall be run on them.
Sunday, 11 March 2012
The Gestapo's last orgy - Will's Review
*****Spoilers from opening paragraph*******
Opening with a VoiceOver from a war crimes trail, the movies story is actually pretty strong.
Lisa (yes another one) is a young Jewish woman, who turned her own family over to the Nazis, believing that they would be incarcerated but not harmed, and that she would be able to be loyal to Germany and lead a 'normal' life, rather than hiding in the attic.
Lisa (yes another one) is a young Jewish woman, who turned her own family over to the Nazis, believing that they would be incarcerated but not harmed, and that she would be able to be loyal to Germany and lead a 'normal' life, rather than hiding in the attic.
Predictably, her parents are killed and she is captured and sent to a concentration camp where she is physically and emotionally abused - at first she doesn't care, wanting only death, but upon learning that her parents location was already known to the nazis loses her guilt complex and submits to the general in charge of the camp in order to stay alive, eventually falling in love with him.
When she has his son however (still at the camp) the general has the baby taken away and killed, as 'a Jew will have no good life in the new world'.
Lisa, devastated by the betrayal, continues to fake her affection for the general, eventually testifying on his behalf at his war crime trial in order to get his charges dropped - so that she can return to the camp with him and kill him herself!
When she has his son however (still at the camp) the general has the baby taken away and killed, as 'a Jew will have no good life in the new world'.
Lisa, devastated by the betrayal, continues to fake her affection for the general, eventually testifying on his behalf at his war crime trial in order to get his charges dropped - so that she can return to the camp with him and kill him herself!
See? A pretty good story!
Unfortunately the film is utter crap - the camp in question is a sex-camp, where attractive Jewish women and taken to serve German solders on leave.
It's a nasty little rape-for-titillation movie, that manages to be offensive not only to women - but to the nazis.
I know it's odd to think that the Nazis could be badly portrayed in a movie (as in, portrayed in a negative light) but here, ordinary German solders are portrayed as sex crazed idiots, who would enthusiastically charge across a room to rape women en-mass, simply because they have permission.
It's also badly acted, and what few 'scare' scene there are are atrocious - women are dissolved in quicklime which stays white, and out heroin is at one point dressed in knickers made of human hair (!) and dangled over a pit of ravenous... Gerbils.
Both better and more offensive than 'Beast in Heat' but still one to avoid.
By the way the one 'good' German (a doctor who tries to help the girls) is by far the best endowed - he also just happens to be ginger - just sayin'
Body Count: 15
Boob Count: 37 pairs
Animal Body Count: O
Most Memorable Death: Clean and Quick(Lime)
Please use the comments bellow only to comment on this post - to write your own review, please comment on the main post for this movie.
Unfortunately the film is utter crap - the camp in question is a sex-camp, where attractive Jewish women and taken to serve German solders on leave.
It's a nasty little rape-for-titillation movie, that manages to be offensive not only to women - but to the nazis.
I know it's odd to think that the Nazis could be badly portrayed in a movie (as in, portrayed in a negative light) but here, ordinary German solders are portrayed as sex crazed idiots, who would enthusiastically charge across a room to rape women en-mass, simply because they have permission.
It's also badly acted, and what few 'scare' scene there are are atrocious - women are dissolved in quicklime which stays white, and out heroin is at one point dressed in knickers made of human hair (!) and dangled over a pit of ravenous... Gerbils.
Both better and more offensive than 'Beast in Heat' but still one to avoid.
By the way the one 'good' German (a doctor who tries to help the girls) is by far the best endowed - he also just happens to be ginger - just sayin'
Body Count: 15
Boob Count: 37 pairs
Animal Body Count: O
Most Memorable Death: Clean and Quick(Lime)
Please use the comments bellow only to comment on this post - to write your own review, please comment on the main post for this movie.
Saturday, 16 July 2011
Bloody Moon - Lisa's Review
*** CONTAINS SPOILERS ***
We see a cringeworthy scene with Miguel and his sister almost getting it on, where she stops and says its wrong and she's his sister. Bit late for that now lovey! She utters the immortal line "If only we could get rid of everyone"... cue the motive for the rest of the movie. Simple really.
Please use the comments bellow only to comment on this post - to write your own review, please comment on the "Reader Reviews" post for this movie.
This movie is IMHO one of the biggest wastes of anyones time who puts it on. I'm a stickler for doing things when I say I'm going to and hey I want to be able to say I have seen all the movies on this list in their entirety but jesus christ! I wish I could have switched this one off before the end!
It reminds me that the 80's is well and truely the decade that taste forgot. Everything here is bloody awful! The hair, the clothes, the music.... well just everything.
We start this movie being introduced to Miguel, a young man at the centre of this movie with a facial disfigurement (which looks like a child had has fun with some play putty). He attends a masquerade ball, convenient that with his face an' all. I looked more like a tacky 80's pool part to me, but there you go....
He ends up having sex with a young lady who has no idea who he is... when she finds out, she is less than enamoured to continue. Not happy with this he stabs her to death with a pair of scissors. The blood is crap, the special effects are crap.
The movie continues by Miguel being institutionalised and then released into the care of his sister Manuela (who he is having an incestuous relationship with). They travel home on the train and Miguel sets eyes on Angela, who he quickly becomes obsessed with and follows everywhere.
We see a cringeworthy scene with Miguel and his sister almost getting it on, where she stops and says its wrong and she's his sister. Bit late for that now lovey! She utters the immortal line "If only we could get rid of everyone"... cue the motive for the rest of the movie. Simple really.
Manuela runs a language school with her grumpy arsed Aunt Maria Contessa which is conveniently full of nubile, young, pretty, perfect breasted females (there are also a few young arrogant men for good measure to patronise the woman who tried to convince everyone else about the murderer).
We have several shit death scenes with bad makeup. Firstly we lose old grumpy auntie (I think with a burning torch), A knife through the boob (well they were getting them out an awful lot, it was bound to happen) a garotting type pincher thingy, a circular saw (that was monumentally awful when the actress turned into a very bad mannequin).
Of course we're meant to blame all this carnage on poor old mental pervert Miguel, but in actual fact, Manuela and her real life boyfriend are to blame (oh quelle surprise!!) Unfortunately as they discuss their devilish plans, everything they have done and as she expresses her disgust for Miguels face, he overhears everything from the door.
Manuela then in her greed to inherit her aunts estate, turns on her stupid-arsed donkey-boy boyfriend, who did all the killings for her and tells him to sod off.
Miguel then runs upstairs where Angela (the only survivor) is resting and jumps on top of her expressing his love. She stabs him through the neck with what looks like a poker and that's that then!!! She dashes downstairs to see Manuela fighting with her boyfriend on the floor about who is getting what and hot foots it into a lounge where she see's auntie dearests burnt remains on a seat. Rather the shock when she's asking for help really....
As Manuela's boyfriend tries to kill Angela, Manuela rushes in and kills him with hedge trimmers!!! *yawn* but DU-DU-DUUUUUHHHH Miguel appears (complete with poker still through his neck - yup he's still alive!) and takes out his sister Manuela, by choking.....
Cue good guy turnng up with police to save Angela. Miguel dies on floor beside Manuela... THE END!! Complete pile of bollocks!!!
Too poor to score. I feel the worst one yet.
Please use the comments bellow only to comment on this post - to write your own review, please comment on the "Reader Reviews" post for this movie.
Saturday, 18 June 2011
The Beast in Heat - Lisa's Review
*** CONTAINS SPOILERS ***
I am torn with this movie. Part of me found it extremely distasteful and sick (the first so far where I could understand what all the fuss was about) but the other part of me found it too much like soft porn or movies like 'Flesh Gordon' to take in any way seriously. Had this movie been filmed with a darker mood and in all seriousness, I probably would have had problems watching it all the way through. That's not due to it being particularly horrific or having scenes which were bad enough for it to warrant prosecution, but just due to the fact I am a female viewer and much as I don't like typical sexist stereotypes, I think there are specific acts which men find easier to view than women.
There was 1 scene in this entire movie where a crying baby is snatched from its mother by a german officer and thrown into the air and shot (off camera) which is probably the only 'nasty' part in this movie played out seriously.
The general storyline involves a female nazi officers' experiment, where she creates a neanderthal-looking, sex-crazed creature, which spends the movies duration in a cage naked. Female prisoners are subjected to being thrown into the cage so this 'monster' can have his way with them while prison guards and the officers look on in amusement. These scenes are not particularly shocking, but more amusing to be honest as this incompetant, brainless creature does what only an animal could do, including ripping out the hair on one particularly thick muff. Thats something thats plentiful in this movie... very hairy female genitals! Makes you want to rush onto the set with some wax strips....
Also plentiful are boobs of all sizes and shapes. This movie is most definately one for the men as it just exploits women from start to finish. They just seem to be there for the eye candy to me. In saying that, the main movie villan is a woman, but her character is also something meant to appeal to the men and even she doesn't keep her clothes on! She is a dominatrix style character with the personality of a very lewd man. She makes advances on female officers, challenges male officers to 'get off' on the beast having sex with unconsenting women, then chastises them for it. She 'tortures' male prisoners by stripping off for them and asking them to look at her, before travelling southward..... kind of odd torture if you ask me. They'll be lining up for cross examination next.
So like I said, a kind of very poor soft porn movie in places, but done extremely badly. There are also several rape scenes with german officers and scenes where women are tortured, usually by way of genital electrocution or supposed rats eating their parts (although most amusingly, guinea pigs are used in the movie). Scenes which should have been horrific are played for kicks and to give you as much of an eyefull as possible.
One of the final scene inevitably involves Mistress bitch being hauled into the beasts cage so he can have his way with her. This is, as with the rest of the movie, played for kicks, with the absence of a bra when the uniform is ripped off, the suspenders and stockings which she just happened to have on underneath and their staying on all the way through. She is reduced to a quivering, bloody mess, just like all the other women (you could say she got her cum upence .. Ba'dum tish!) and they are both finally shot at the end by the villagers (who are in another story which runs alongside the main sex fuelled one and is too mind numbingly dull to talk about.... one of them does talk a lot like Pop-eye though, which I found amusing) its dull and monotonous and most viewers will just be wondering how long it takes until you get back to the boobs. It was a very weird mix of 2 stories to me....
So to conclude, nothing particularly shocking in this movie but it contains an awful lot of nudity and sex. It is so bad though and 'the beast' is so laughable, you can't really get all bent out of shape about it. I felt sorry for the actresses having the guys flacid bits all pressed up against them... YUCK!!! If you're a guy who likes to watch a lot of boobs and a bit of blood, then this is for you. If you're a horror loving female, then there's very little here for you (unless of course you like to look at boobs too). There are a few teeny tiny flacid willies in there as well though, if that does it for you!
You'll need your pen and paper for the boob count in this one Will. I can't wait to see what it is!
Gore: 1/10 (There is very little)
Story: 2/10 (there was little in the way of a story as it was all an excuse to get bits out)
Nudity: 8/10 (Seemed to be the main reason for the movie to me)
Overall Score: 4/10 (If I was a guy, this would probably rise to 6/10)
Please use the comments bellow only to comment on this post - to write your own review, please comment on the "Reader Reviews" post for this movie.
Please use the comments bellow only to comment on this post - to write your own review, please comment on the "Reader Reviews" post for this movie.
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