SHOCKTOBER SPECIAL: BEST WORST MOVIES
In honour of Halloween, we're taking a special "Shocktober" break from the Time-Out 100 Best Horror films, to focus on some of the worst...
Reviews / Author Comments due: 05/10/2013
Sunday, 29 September 2013
Saturday, 28 September 2013
Cronos - Will's Review
A good movie! That's actually horror!!! (Or deals horror themes at least - it doesn't induce fear, nor is it intended to).
I'm showing my hand early again; I'm re commending this one, and I suggest you stop reading and go in cold. The only thing I will warn you about upfront is that it's a foreign language film (Spanish, on account of it being a Mexican movie) so give it a miss if you don't do subtitles.
It gets labeled as a Vampire movie, and it's easy to see why, it deals with immortals who must drink human blood, get burned by sunlight, and can only be killed by destroying their heart; but I don't think it's strictly fair to label them 'vampires' as such - certainly it's like no version of the vampire mythos you've seen before.
Jesus (no, not THAT Jesus; he's Mexican so it's pronounced Hayzuze) is an older chap, who lives with his wife and granddaughter, and owns an antique shop. One day he finds a strange clockwork device in the base of an angel statuette in his shop.
At first the device seems dangerous, damaging his hand when it it activated, but he soon starts to look and feel younger.
Things start to go badly wrong for Jesus however, when he gets mixed up with a death-fearing millionaire who wants the device for his own, and has been collecting angel statues in the hope of finding it, and only get worse when he finds that he has inadvertently made himself immortal.
I really like Jesus' slow realisation that he was craving blood... None of that 'I've turned and shall go straight for the jugular of the first person I see' stuff here.
Brilliantly filmed and acted, the only criticism you could level at the movie is that it's slow; however I found it to be an interesting, simple, slow-burn story, rather than the dull type of slow.
I don't want to say too much more - if you've seen it, you already know, and if you haven't seen it (and ignored my warning to go in cold) I've said far too much already; so I'll mark this with my recommendation tag, and leave you to go rent a copy.
Cronos (1993) - Lisa's Review
*** BIG FAT SPOILERS ***
Let me start by saying, if you haven't seen Cronos, stop right now!! Go watch it and don't read this. I wouldn't want to spoil your viewing experience by giving anything away.
So, with that out of the way, a good movie to watch and review!! Whooooooooooo! It seems like it's been so long! I originally saw Cronos a few years ago. Like most other people, I was alerted to it when I watched the wonderful 'Pans Labyrinth' and discovered it was part of a movie trilogy (although the movies are completely unrelated) by Guillermo Del Toro alongside Cronos and The Devils Backbone. What can I say? I loved all 3. The guy knows what he's doing.
This movie has at its heart a story about immortality and vampires, although it is told in a very different manner to what we're used to. I should perhaps point out that this movie is in Spanish with English subtitles. I often forget to point this out to people when I recommend a movie and it doesn't tend to go down too well.
It's quite hard to give an idea about this movie without giving a lot away, hence the 'big fat spoilers' warning. We start the movie in a scene from many years previous where an alchemist has created a device which is capable of granting immortality to its owner. Many years later we see him laying dead underneath a pile of rubble from a collapsed building with inhuman marble-white skin.
Fast Forward to the present day and we meet the star of the movie - Jesus, an antique store owner. He comes into possession of a statue of archangel. He notices that the base is hollow and comes upon an ancient device inside. I can only describe it as having the appearance of a large Scarab Beetle without legs. However, when it is held, metal legs emerge and wrap themselves around the hand of the holder, holding it fast. The skin is pierced and it appears to inject them with something.
From then on, Jesus is driven to return to the object as he discovers it makes him appear younger, feel more energetic, he feels better than he has in years. As is usually the case however, something good always comes with something bad. He has an insatiable thirst for blood and even resorts to lying on a bathroom floor, ready to lick up some from the floor. This is the first sign that rather than a secret of immortality, Jesus has actually inadvertently become a vampire.
We always have a villain alongside our hero and here it comes as a dying millionaire who has heard of the device and is willing to go to any lengths to get it. His rather brutish nephew Angel (played by Ron Perlman) is tasked with going after it. Angel attempts to kill Jesus by pushing his car over a cliff, while he is unconscious inside it. It becomes clear to us that it is going to take something very big to do away with Jesus. We witness him lying on a mortuary slab waiting to be cremated and witness his resurrection, complete with the opening of his gruesomely sewn shut mouth.
He returns home to his granddaughter who has been in on everything all along and sets to writing a letter explaining the situation to his wife. We find out more evidence of his vampiric state in that sunlight burns his skin and he has to sleep in a box.
Needing to know a 'way out' of his situation, Jesus goes with his granddaughter to see the millionaire who is so desperate for the device and agrees to hand it over in return for answers and an escape. I won't give away any more or how the movie ends, but this movie is well worth a watch. If you don't mind subtitles and want to watch something a little different from usual run-of-the-mill movies, this is for you.
There is A LOT more to the movie than I have detailed, but I honestly don't want to give too much away about the storyline as I think if anyone is reading this that hasn't seen it, it is well worth watching.
I heartilly recommend it.
Let me start by saying, if you haven't seen Cronos, stop right now!! Go watch it and don't read this. I wouldn't want to spoil your viewing experience by giving anything away.
So, with that out of the way, a good movie to watch and review!! Whooooooooooo! It seems like it's been so long! I originally saw Cronos a few years ago. Like most other people, I was alerted to it when I watched the wonderful 'Pans Labyrinth' and discovered it was part of a movie trilogy (although the movies are completely unrelated) by Guillermo Del Toro alongside Cronos and The Devils Backbone. What can I say? I loved all 3. The guy knows what he's doing.
This movie has at its heart a story about immortality and vampires, although it is told in a very different manner to what we're used to. I should perhaps point out that this movie is in Spanish with English subtitles. I often forget to point this out to people when I recommend a movie and it doesn't tend to go down too well.
It's quite hard to give an idea about this movie without giving a lot away, hence the 'big fat spoilers' warning. We start the movie in a scene from many years previous where an alchemist has created a device which is capable of granting immortality to its owner. Many years later we see him laying dead underneath a pile of rubble from a collapsed building with inhuman marble-white skin.
Fast Forward to the present day and we meet the star of the movie - Jesus, an antique store owner. He comes into possession of a statue of archangel. He notices that the base is hollow and comes upon an ancient device inside. I can only describe it as having the appearance of a large Scarab Beetle without legs. However, when it is held, metal legs emerge and wrap themselves around the hand of the holder, holding it fast. The skin is pierced and it appears to inject them with something.
From then on, Jesus is driven to return to the object as he discovers it makes him appear younger, feel more energetic, he feels better than he has in years. As is usually the case however, something good always comes with something bad. He has an insatiable thirst for blood and even resorts to lying on a bathroom floor, ready to lick up some from the floor. This is the first sign that rather than a secret of immortality, Jesus has actually inadvertently become a vampire.
We always have a villain alongside our hero and here it comes as a dying millionaire who has heard of the device and is willing to go to any lengths to get it. His rather brutish nephew Angel (played by Ron Perlman) is tasked with going after it. Angel attempts to kill Jesus by pushing his car over a cliff, while he is unconscious inside it. It becomes clear to us that it is going to take something very big to do away with Jesus. We witness him lying on a mortuary slab waiting to be cremated and witness his resurrection, complete with the opening of his gruesomely sewn shut mouth.
He returns home to his granddaughter who has been in on everything all along and sets to writing a letter explaining the situation to his wife. We find out more evidence of his vampiric state in that sunlight burns his skin and he has to sleep in a box.
Needing to know a 'way out' of his situation, Jesus goes with his granddaughter to see the millionaire who is so desperate for the device and agrees to hand it over in return for answers and an escape. I won't give away any more or how the movie ends, but this movie is well worth a watch. If you don't mind subtitles and want to watch something a little different from usual run-of-the-mill movies, this is for you.
There is A LOT more to the movie than I have detailed, but I honestly don't want to give too much away about the storyline as I think if anyone is reading this that hasn't seen it, it is well worth watching.
I heartilly recommend it.
Monday, 23 September 2013
Sunday, 22 September 2013
I Waled With A Zombie - Will's Review
I am a huge fan of pre code, and golden age horror movies; along with the Hammer Horrors of the 60's and 70's I was weaned on American Horror Movies from the 30's and 40's (especially the Universal ones).
It's fair to say that the path which lead me to watching a horror movie every week for a blog, started with my 5 year old self those movies; they quite literally made me the man I am today!
So I was excited to find that this week's movie was an RKO offering from 1943.
Sadly, I would struggle to classify this one as horror; like Come and See, I would file this one under 'Drama'.
Yes, there are Witch Doctors and Zombies (the traditional voodoo kind, not Romero Style Zombies) and yes, there was a slight supernatural element, however there was no part if this story that could not have been told with 'real' zombies (the drugged and brain damaged humans, still used to this day).
It's a shame because, while I love old horror movies, I find that dramas from that period tend to run at a pace that does not play well to a modern audience; and this was no exception.
While well made, the film moved far too slowly, and a few nice shots with German expressionist inspired shadows do not make up for a dull plot.
It's fair to say that the path which lead me to watching a horror movie every week for a blog, started with my 5 year old self those movies; they quite literally made me the man I am today!
So I was excited to find that this week's movie was an RKO offering from 1943.
Sadly, I would struggle to classify this one as horror; like Come and See, I would file this one under 'Drama'.
Yes, there are Witch Doctors and Zombies (the traditional voodoo kind, not Romero Style Zombies) and yes, there was a slight supernatural element, however there was no part if this story that could not have been told with 'real' zombies (the drugged and brain damaged humans, still used to this day).
It's a shame because, while I love old horror movies, I find that dramas from that period tend to run at a pace that does not play well to a modern audience; and this was no exception.
While well made, the film moved far too slowly, and a few nice shots with German expressionist inspired shadows do not make up for a dull plot.
Saturday, 21 September 2013
I Walked With A Zombie - Lisa's Review
*** SPOILERS ***
I groaned this week when I saw the movie for reviewing. It's no secret, I'm not a fan of these old horrors... so shoot me! Don't get me wrong, there are some old black n white movies that I adore (It's a Wonderful Life, A Christmas Carol), but in general, I just don't dig obscure old movies that I just can't relate to at all. Also finding out that it is something of a reworking of 'Jane Eyre' didn't help the mustering of any enthusiasm for me.
I won't say this is a bad movie - it isn't. It just isn't a great one. There are parts of the narration of the main character in the movie which is beautiful and nothing short of poetic. Sadly this is usually interrupted by something ridiculous and over the top, which just detracts from one of the stronger points of the movie.
The basic premise of this movie is that a nurse (Betsy) is hired to care for and potentially find a cure for the wife (Jessica) of a wealthy sugar plantation owner (Paul) on a Caribbean Island. Jessica is in a catatonic state. Soon we find out, oddly by way of song, that Pauls brother Wesley had been having an affair with Jessica and they wanted to run away together. Paul however found out and prevented them from leaving. Jessica has been in a catatonic state ever since.
As the movie progresses Betsy starts to fall for her employer (why is anyones guess) and feels that finding a cure for his wife would be the best thing to do (go figure!). Cue a housemaid (Alma) who feels that a Voodoo Priest may be able to help Jessica.
What ensues is more about Voodoo and ritual rather than anything in the horror genre. I won't give anything more away with relation to the story, just in case any reader actually wants to see this movie. There are a couple of tense scenes, but nothing that could be described as frightening or horrific.
How this movie ended up in the horror genre at all is a mystery to me. Obviously I do realise that we don't need guts and gore to produce a good horror. In fact, for me, pyschological horror is much more effective than the messier horrors. In this movie however, I was at a loss as to any reason to classify it as they did. Even the use of the word 'Zombie' in the title is more than a little misleading.
In conclusion, I didn't hate it, but I won't be watching it again. I enjoyed some snippets of dialogue, but for me, that was where the entertainment ended. So, not bad enough for an avoid, but certainly nowhere near getting a recommended. Supposedly one of the best horrors of all time???? I worry about what's ahead of us.
Sunday, 15 September 2013
Saturday, 14 September 2013
Braindead - Will's review.
I. Love. This. Movie.
Love it!
I love almost everything about it.
I love that it was made by Peter "Lord of The Rings" Jackson, but is so different to anything he would make once he moved to Hollywood.
I love that it starts on Skull Island (technically setting it part of Jacksons King Kong universe).
I love the design and animation of the Rat Monkey that bets brought back from said island, and I love that (despite being such a rare beast) it ends up in a public zoo.
I love that (after his mum gets bitten by said monkey) our hero Lionel, gradually, and accidentally, builds a collection of zombies - first because he promised to take care of his mum, and later because he has to keep covering up her victims, and her victims victims.
I Love that a fight gets narrated by an episode of "The Arches" that happens to be on the radio at the time.
I love that one of those flying ducks that old ladies (supposedly) have on their walls in threes gets used as a throwing star!
I love the fight between the Vicar and the Zombie punks (well, Greasers really), I love the line "I kick arse for The Lord".
I love the the way the damage taken by each zombie stays with it, and they get more and more messed-up as the film progresses.
I Love the zombie sex scene, and the resulting baby.
I Love that a petrol mower gets used as a weapon, and I love that the zombies literally never die (Liquidising them seems to be the only way to stop their dismembered parts coming after you).
I love that this is the bloodiest movie you will ever see, and is chock full of zombies, but still can't really be called "Horror" - Its far too OTT to ever scare anyone, and is very firmly a splat-stick comedy.
The only things I don't love about it, to be honest, are the mcguffin wherein some type of poison is also somehow a stimulant when taken by animals, and the unexplained way that one of the zombies grows to giant size.
but overall its safe to say; I love this movie!
Love it!
I love almost everything about it.
I love that it was made by Peter "Lord of The Rings" Jackson, but is so different to anything he would make once he moved to Hollywood.
I love that it starts on Skull Island (technically setting it part of Jacksons King Kong universe).
I love the design and animation of the Rat Monkey that bets brought back from said island, and I love that (despite being such a rare beast) it ends up in a public zoo.
I love that (after his mum gets bitten by said monkey) our hero Lionel, gradually, and accidentally, builds a collection of zombies - first because he promised to take care of his mum, and later because he has to keep covering up her victims, and her victims victims.
I Love that a fight gets narrated by an episode of "The Arches" that happens to be on the radio at the time.
I love that one of those flying ducks that old ladies (supposedly) have on their walls in threes gets used as a throwing star!
I love the fight between the Vicar and the Zombie punks (well, Greasers really), I love the line "I kick arse for The Lord".
I love the the way the damage taken by each zombie stays with it, and they get more and more messed-up as the film progresses.
I Love the zombie sex scene, and the resulting baby.
I Love that a petrol mower gets used as a weapon, and I love that the zombies literally never die (Liquidising them seems to be the only way to stop their dismembered parts coming after you).
I love that this is the bloodiest movie you will ever see, and is chock full of zombies, but still can't really be called "Horror" - Its far too OTT to ever scare anyone, and is very firmly a splat-stick comedy.
The only things I don't love about it, to be honest, are the mcguffin wherein some type of poison is also somehow a stimulant when taken by animals, and the unexplained way that one of the zombies grows to giant size.
but overall its safe to say; I love this movie!
Braindead - Lisa's Review
Hmmmm a difficult one for me to review this week. Why you may ask? Well, I know this movie is a favourite amongst many horror fans, proper horror fans. By proper horror fans, I mean those fans who know their movies, the history, those who have watched more than the series of 'Scream', 'I know what you did last summer' and 'Final Destination'.
I hadn't seen the movie until tonight. Again, why you may ask? Well, oddly I didn't like the cover (much the same reason as to why I have yet to view Bad Taste), ridiculous, you may say. Fair enough, that's just one of my little wierdisms. More acceptable possibly - I generally don't enjoy comedy horrors. I make an exception for 'Shaun of the Dead', but other than that, not for me.
So back to the matter in hand... Braindead. Firstly what an odd film for Peter Jackson to be responsible for! You would never imagine it.
To try to keep the premise as simple as possible. A Sumatran Rat Monkey is captured on an expedition and ends up in a zoo. It seems that everyone who gets bitten by this beast and everyone in turn bitten by anyone who has been bitten, turn into wierd, fucked up zombies. Zombies who seem impossible to kill and walk about with various injuries and traumas. To say the alternative title for this movie is Dead Alive, should give you an idea of what we're talking about here.
So, did I like it? In a word, No. I can hear the shouting from here. "She didn't get it", "How could she not like Braindead?, Its awesome!"... Sorry, it's just not my thing at all. I did titter a couple of times, but mostly sat with my mouth agog at the ridiculousness of it all. It is very, very gorey (apparently the bloodiest horror ever made), but not in any kind of realistic way. I have to give kudos to the various gross deaths and injuries doled out and yea, ok, it was kind of funny. That seems to be the problem though. I like my horror to be horrific, realistic. I like to be repulsed, horrified, frightened, creeped out at least impressed, but this movie didn't fulfill any of these requirements for me.
I can appreciate a lot of people will like this movie and I appreciate my viewpoints are most probably because I just tend to dislike this style of movie. To me, it looks like something a couple of teenage boys (think Beavis and Butthead) would dream up and want to film, only to be laughed out of every studio they approached.
So there you have it. I finally watched Braindead and I didn't like it, much like I thought would be the case. I won't stick an avoid on it as I know my opinions are purely down to personal taste and a lot of people will enjoy this movie, but sadly, I wasn't one of them.
Sunday, 8 September 2013
Saturday, 7 September 2013
Come And See - Will's Review
And to our latest season of movies "TimeOut London's 100 Best Horror Movies"... And it's not off to a great start; this is neither a Horror movie, nor particularly good!
Reading around, this movie has overwhelmingly positive reviews, and I'm honestly stumped; that said, I usually find that 'award bait' movies are dull but beautiful; and this, for me anyway, falls into that category.
Only a 'Horror Movie' insofar as it deals with the Horrors of War (so 'Drama' then), it has some wonderful shots and superb acting, but is more a sequence-of-events than an actual story in any meaningful sense.
It's a WW2 drama about a young Belarusian lad who goes looking for (and finds) an abandoned gun, in order to join the resistance army against the invading Nazis, losing his innocence, and his mind, in the process.
It's also unbelievably slow, meaning that you feel every second of its 2hr10min running-time.
It's not the popular opinion, but: Avoid.
Reading around, this movie has overwhelmingly positive reviews, and I'm honestly stumped; that said, I usually find that 'award bait' movies are dull but beautiful; and this, for me anyway, falls into that category.
Only a 'Horror Movie' insofar as it deals with the Horrors of War (so 'Drama' then), it has some wonderful shots and superb acting, but is more a sequence-of-events than an actual story in any meaningful sense.
It's a WW2 drama about a young Belarusian lad who goes looking for (and finds) an abandoned gun, in order to join the resistance army against the invading Nazis, losing his innocence, and his mind, in the process.
It's also unbelievably slow, meaning that you feel every second of its 2hr10min running-time.
It's not the popular opinion, but: Avoid.
Sorry for the short review but... well; dull movie.
Come And See - Lisa's Review
So we kick off the Time Out 100 Best Horror Movies, with a rather odd choice to be in the list. Coming in at No 100 is war movie 'Come and See'. The title gives us some clue as to what to expect as it is taken from the book of revelations when John is invited to witness the Apocalypse.
To start off with, I will say I think you need to be in a certain mood to sit down and watch this movie such is its intensity, then there is also the issue of subtitles to contend with. I intend to give it another watch when my mood better fits, as I feel it does deserve a second viewing.
The premise we have here is one of a teenage Belarusian boy Flyora, who wants to join the Soviet Partisans to fight against the Nazis. We see him leave his widowed mother and young sisters who are devastated to see him leave and obviously fear for his life. Sadly for keen young Flyora, he is ordered to stay behind in reserve in the forest while the Partisans move on. He he meets a young girl, Glasha.
What follows is a depiction of war and its effects on humanity, all seen through the eyes of Flyora. I'm not going to lie, it can be quite hard going and slow and if you're not in the right mood, you can be very easilly distracted. This however, should not be viewed as a negative for the movie, as, like I said earlier, it does require a particular mood and attentive viewing.
I struggle with why this movie was placed in a horror movie category. True, some war movies are very bloody, gorey and downright horrific. This movie however does not concentrate on the physical effects of war, so therefore has none of the usual gore associated with war movies. Instead we delve into the psychological and emotional effects of war through the eyes of this young man.
The main thing that struck me about the movie is the incredible performance from the young actor Aleksei Kravchenko. Why on earth haven't we heard of him? The director allows everything he wants us to see and feel to be depicted on the face of this young man and he does it wonderfully. As I watched the movie and witnessed horrible scenes of death and despair, I struggled to imagine how Aleksei portrayed these emotions so well. The sheer desperation, devastation and hopelessness he manages to convey throughout the movie is incredible.
I loved how the movie took us on a journey with Flyora. We followed him through the ravages of war and saw the effects as villages were destroyed and burnt to the ground by Nazis. Every step of the way, that eager and innocent young man slowly changed and eventually evolved into a shell of a person. After watching 'Come and See' its very easy to see why so many people who have witnessed such scenes struggle with returning to normal life.
This movie is best viewed when you have a couple of hours of quiet time with no interruptions to dedicate to it. It is probably best viewed without much knowledge as to its contents for its full effect to be possible, which is why I deliberately didn't go into a lot of detail in my review. I would say if you are interested in war and its effects, especially the psychological damage that is possible, then this is the movie for you. As I said, I will give this one another viewing when I have a bit more quiet time available as I feel it is deserving of that.
I think you will struggle to find a better performance than the one Aleksei Kravchenko gives here. I'm glad to say, I can kick off the Time Out Top 100 reviews with a 'Recommended'.
Sunday, 1 September 2013
WEEK 120: Come And See (1985)
Reviews / Author Comments due: 07/09/2013
Position on TimeOut list: 100
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