Nekromantik - Lisa's Review

***SPOILERS - if indeed you care***

Sometimes when I watch a movie, it takes me a while, sometimes a few days to decide whether I actually enjoyed the movie or not.  Strange maybe, but true.  A movie I thought was maybe just 'ok' in retrospect after a little bit of thought, I realise was actually quite good.

What has this got to do with this weeks movie I hear you ask?... well, this week that was not a problem at all.  I am in no doubt as to what I felt about Nekromantik.  If I didn't feel like a big, fat cheat for copying and pasting a dictionary definition for the word excrement as my review, that is exactly what you would be reading.

So why so bad?  Where do I start.  I'm not a person who is easily shocked.  Granted, I do have my limits.  I don't like watching any acts of cruelty which I know to be real.  There have been scenes of real animal deaths in some movies we have watched which I have found very difficult, but aside from that anything else is fair game really.  Don't get me wrong, there are staged scenes in movies, I find uncomfortable to watch, usually due to how they are portrayed, but gore generally doesn't offend me.

So to Nekromantik... I seem to be avoiding reviewing it thus far, for good reason really, I am struggling with the words to put together to give you any kind of idea as to how bad this movie actually is.

So, our premise here follows a young man (Rob) who works for a cleaning agency (by cleaning agency I mean a company who remove dead bodies).  He has a bit of a penchant for corpses and various body parts of corpses.  His job obviously provides the perfect opportunity for him to indulge in his pastime.  Luckily for him, his very attractive (how did he manage that?) girlfriend Betty seems to share in his hobby.

This movie follows Rob as he brings home a decomposing corpse to Betty and proceeds to indulge in a threesome.  For some reason the sex scenes in the movie are always shown with a 'shaky camera' style where everything seems out of focus. Small blessing I suppose.  Do I really want to watch a woman straddle a section of piping covered in a condom which she has attached to a corpse?  Or perhaps the face of a corpse shoved between a womans legs?  Maybe a bit of corpse eyeball sucking would be more to my taste?  I think not!  I'm still trying to figure out why on earth you would put a piece of metal THERE!! Ouch!

Aside from the theft of the corpse, which seems to be the focus, the movie seems to be attempting a serious message by showing us the other side to Robs life, where he is bullied and walked over; a perpetual doormat, perhaps corpses are the only people he feels on a level with?  He feels a bit more in control.  This is also illustrated by his need to kill a prostitute in order to get aroused to have sex with her.  For the record this scene is perhaps one of the lamest, worst acted scenes I have ever been witness to.  This is only topped by the scene which directly follows where a man who comes upon the scene is decapitated from the jaw upwards by a shovel.  So bad, its hilarious!

There isn't really much else to add about the movie.  There is little script to speak of.  The fact it is german probably doesn't matter, as you won't miss anything if you have no idea of anything that is being said.  Rob gets turned on by corpses, body parts, innards - particularly intestines, rabbit killing, skinning and gutting and death in general.  Betty dumps him as he loses his job and she is tried of being with a weak man who won't stand up for himself.  She does however take the corpse with her as a parting gift.  Rob ends up killing a prostitute, having sex with her, decapitating an old man before going home and stabbing himself to death whilst his enormous (but very fake looking) penis ejaculates all over the place.  Sounds pretty fucked up?  Well there you have it!

The movie ends with a shot of Robs grave and a female foot coming into shot with a spade ready to dig him up.

In case you were in any doubt as to what I thought of this movie.  It was crap.  A monumental waste of time.  Asides from the laugh that the decapitation gave me, it was complete and utter dross.  Big, fat AVOID slapped on its backside.