Nekromantik 2 - Will's Review

Spoilers for a hard to find, crap sequel to a crap film follow.

Here we go again...

I really enjoyed writing last weeks review; despite the fact that the film was just bad (not "so bad it's good" just bad) there were still enough off-kilter parts that I could at least get my teeth into sagging it off.

That should be the case again with this equally dire sequel, but I fear my verve for criticising this series may have waned; as this is, essentially, the second half of the same movie.

The film opens with a recap of Rob's suicide, then carries on with the woman's shoe that we saw digging up his grave.

The shoe belongs to Monica - a new character, who takes Rob's green, shiny, rigid corpse home.

How she gets him home undetected, we do not; it remains a movie mystery up there with "how the hell did they get King Kong to New York?".

Anyway, having got him home, she slowly undresses him (he's still wearing his suicide clothes, by the way), licks its face, then sits on his unyielding chest (seriously - this is one rock solid corpse) staring at his dill-pickle penis and moaning, until she freaks out and runs to the bathroom to throw up.

The whole freak-out / Nausea thing is never mentioned again, ad she returns to her life of cadaver boffing with no further issues.

The sex scene is intercut with the introduction of another new character, Mark, who dubs porn films for a living. Just an aside, Mark is like everyone else in the movie, German; and yet, despite speaking German for the entire rest of the movie, clearly says at one point "just wait while I get a drink" in English. For no reason.

A recurring problem in this movie is that the casting director seems to have a thing for women who look a certain way, resulting in 3 separate characters who can easily be mistaken for each other; with that in mind Mark calls Monica 2, and arranges to go see a film with her (and really drives home to her about being in time).

Outside the cinema, Mark is annoyed to be waiting for Monika 2, when he runs into Monika, takes her instead, and the two begin dating.

The film within a film that the two of them go to see is a black and white art film, consisting of a naked couple, seated at a table in the middle of a landfill, eating an extraordinary number of hard boiled eggs, while talking about birds. We see entirely too much of it, and I can only assume that it is a short film the director made, and this was a sneaky way if getting it released!

Sometime during all of this, Minica 3 (who I believe is Rob's girlfriend from the first movie, given a new hairstyle and dress-sense, to look like Monica) visits Robs (still open) grave, and is disappointed to find it empty. This is never mentioned again.

Monica begins to question her 'relationship' with Rob, and decides to dispose of him (apart from his head and genitals obviously) by dismembering him, bagging him up, and putting him back in his grave.

The dismemberment, while gory, is not well done... It looks every inch like a woman sawing up a blood filled movie prop; and as far as the reburial goes, Rob's grabs is STILL open, and having filled it with blue bin bags, Monica leaves it that way!

Monica isn't the only one having relationship doubts... finding a cling-filmed, rancid, cock-and-balls in her fridge is one thing, being asked to pose as though dead for photographs, one almost expects in a relationship; but when he comes home to find a bunch of her mates watching a video of a (real) seal autopsy, he has to have a serious think about their future!

After consulting Monica 2 and a random drunk guy, Mark decides that shagging Monica will probably sort everything out... Except she beheads him mid coitus, straps a cock ring on his less-than-mighty erection, and fixes Rob's head onto the fresh body.

Which she then fucks until they climax together (yes, the dead body convulses with orgasm).

In a short 'sting' sequence, we find out that Monica is pregnant.

On a technical level, it is better made than the first one - although this is faint praise indeed. Certain shots are interestingly composed (at least in the first few scenes) and it doesn't have the 'first student film' quality that part one had (which, again, I'm not saying it was well filmed - just less-appallingly composed.

While Monica is trying to decide what do do about Mark (presumably this is when she decides to give him a head transplant) she goes for a wonder on the beach, which is reminiscent of Rob's nature walk in the first film (when he decides to kill himself) - wether this was dumb luck, or a thematic choice is impossible to guess but... Fuck it; I'm acting like this trash is worth studying!

Avoid.

Nekromantik 2 - Lisa's Review

*** SPOILERS ***

I always feel the need to warn of spoilers, even though the chances of anyone reading this review, never mind wanting to watch this movie is virtually nil.

Sooooo, following last weeks offering of Nekromantik, this week we have its sequel.  Is it any better? I'm afraid not.  Is it any worse?  Thankfully not.

The storyline is pretty much the same... odd person who gets her kicks from having sex with a corpse.  There is the same cringeworthy tonguing of aforementioned corpse and wierd sex scenes.  This time we follow a woman (Monika) who ironically digs up the corpse of the fellow Nekrophiliac and star of the first installment (Rob), who we saw commit suicide at the end of the last movie.  As I was watching, I had to mentally rebuff myself for actually treating this dross like it was worth any consideration as I mused that Rob would actually be rather pleased to know what became of him.  The ultimate in erotic for him surely?

The scene where Monika transports Rob home and undresses him is painfully slow and long-winded.  I'm like "Come on already!".  Maybe it was worth the wait to see the awful moment when she removed his trousers and we could see the corpses 'rubber' feet.  Anyways....

Alongside her new beau Rob, Monika also meets Mark (who dubs porn movies) and they immediately hit it off.   Although odd as he is (the scenes of him 'working' are actually pretty funny), even he has problems dealing with just how odd his new girlfriend seems to be.  Granted wanting him to not move an inch during sex and taking photos of him that make him appear to be dead could be considered a bit odd.   You would think her little quirk would be obvious.
When she meets Mark, Monika somewhat reluctantly decides to end things with Rob by cutting him into pieces and storing him in her freezer.  The anatomical inaccuracy here is just astounding and awful.  When it comes down to it though, she is unable to do away with Rob in his entirety, so she decides to keep his decapitated head and genitals.  Amusingly she puts his genitals on a little saucer covered in clingfilm.  Mark actually discovers this little aperitif, yet continues to see Monika... weird man.

As with the first installment, we have another disturbing scene of animal visceration (a seal this time) which seems to have no place in the movie other than to illustrate to Mark, just how weird his new girlfriend is.

The above pretty much sums up the movie believe it or not.  Yup, theres nothing much else to it.  All we have to leave us with is a final sex scene between Monika and Mark, where yet again she is failing to reach any sort of satisfaction, so she decapitates Mark mid coitus (thanks Sheldon).  She then ties off his penis, just to make sure he maintains his erection as his body is in the throes of death spasms.  As if this isn't insulting enough, she replaces his head with the decomposing head of Rob, that she couldn't bear to part with.  Et voila!  Climax achieved!

Oh,  I almost forgot, the movie ends with a doctor walking down a corridor (very slowly) and informing Monika that she is pregnant.

This movie, like its predecessor is pretty awful.  The porn dubbing scenes are quite amusing and I will admit to the decapitation scene at the end being quite disturbing, but I think that's more due to me thinking about it too much, rather than any credit to the film maker.  I don't have a great deal positive to say, so as with Nekromantik, I slap a big fat 'Avoid' on its backside.

Nekromantik - Will's Review

As very few people read these things, and even fewer of those are likely to see this movie, I'm going to feel free to use spoilers. If you think you might be interested seeing in a poorly made, dull, corpse-fucking movie; stop reading now , and go track down a copy of Necromantic.

Thank god they're gone.

The movie opens with a woman taking a piss in a layby. Given that she dies all of 2 minutes later, I think it's unlikely that the director felt that this was a character building moment; so I can only assume that this was intended for titillation. (Don't worry all you female urophiliacs, by the 8 minute mark, you'll get to see a man pissing too)

So, as I mention, soon after taking a leak in a layby, the woman (along with the guy driving her) are killed in a car crash.

Cue a bunch of guys in hazmat suits (and no gloves) arrive on the scene to cordon it off, and set too picking up the woman's intestines (did I mention no gloves?) and dropping them into bin bags, while one of their colleagues cuts into the car with a consumer grade angle grinder to remove the man's body from the car.

Now, you might think that things like cordons would be handled by the police, and that the bodies would be cleared away by either a forensic technician or a coroner... Nope. Our guys work for a cleaning company.

It would seem like investigating a lethal car-crash isn't a high priority in Germany; getting the mess cleans up as fast and inexpensively as possible is key!

And so, we meet Rob, one of the cleaners, who helps himself to an eyeball and a heart from the scene (pfft, the relatives clearly weren't getting the body back anyway, who's going to miss a few parts?).

It turns out that Rob has quite a body-parts collection at home, which his girlfriend enjoys as much as he does (but then, she also likes cat blood in her bath water).

The next day at work, Rob hits pay dirt - the company are employed to remove a badly decomposing body from a lake, and Rob is charged with getting rid of it (again, investigations not a big thing in the Necromantic universe). 

So, of course, he takes it home for a threesome.

Unfortunately, our drown-man's penis has entirely rotted away, so Rob's girlfriend has to impale the corpse's groin area with a pole so she has somewhere to sit.

There is an extended scene of the two of them licking the slimy corpse, sucking its eyeballs and generally having sexy-time with it.

Incidentally, she does put a condom on the pole before inserting it... The deadly pathogens in rotting flesh may not be a thing in the movies cannon, but steel-pipe AIDS seems to be a very real concern.

They split up after he loses his job (a man who can't bring home cadavers? A self respecting woman can't be expected to put up with such things) and goes into a depression spiral that climaxes (quite literally) with a hilariously graphic (and hilariously bad) autoerotic suicide.

The suicide warrants a mention, and was easily the best/worst part of the movie. After finding the inner peace that only deciding to take your own life can bring, rob lays on his bed, pops out his cock (a joke-shop quality dildo) and stabs himself repeatedly in the stomach while, if you'll pardon the expression, cumming buckets. Seriously. Peter North has nothing in this guy.

Then there's a final sting in which an unseen woman starts digging up Rob's grave... Setting up next week's movie.

I had far more fun writing this review than I had watching the movie.

Nekromantik - Lisa's Review

***SPOILERS - if indeed you care***

Sometimes when I watch a movie, it takes me a while, sometimes a few days to decide whether I actually enjoyed the movie or not.  Strange maybe, but true.  A movie I thought was maybe just 'ok' in retrospect after a little bit of thought, I realise was actually quite good.

What has this got to do with this weeks movie I hear you ask?... well, this week that was not a problem at all.  I am in no doubt as to what I felt about Nekromantik.  If I didn't feel like a big, fat cheat for copying and pasting a dictionary definition for the word excrement as my review, that is exactly what you would be reading.

So why so bad?  Where do I start.  I'm not a person who is easily shocked.  Granted, I do have my limits.  I don't like watching any acts of cruelty which I know to be real.  There have been scenes of real animal deaths in some movies we have watched which I have found very difficult, but aside from that anything else is fair game really.  Don't get me wrong, there are staged scenes in movies, I find uncomfortable to watch, usually due to how they are portrayed, but gore generally doesn't offend me.

So to Nekromantik... I seem to be avoiding reviewing it thus far, for good reason really, I am struggling with the words to put together to give you any kind of idea as to how bad this movie actually is.

So, our premise here follows a young man (Rob) who works for a cleaning agency (by cleaning agency I mean a company who remove dead bodies).  He has a bit of a penchant for corpses and various body parts of corpses.  His job obviously provides the perfect opportunity for him to indulge in his pastime.  Luckily for him, his very attractive (how did he manage that?) girlfriend Betty seems to share in his hobby.

This movie follows Rob as he brings home a decomposing corpse to Betty and proceeds to indulge in a threesome.  For some reason the sex scenes in the movie are always shown with a 'shaky camera' style where everything seems out of focus. Small blessing I suppose.  Do I really want to watch a woman straddle a section of piping covered in a condom which she has attached to a corpse?  Or perhaps the face of a corpse shoved between a womans legs?  Maybe a bit of corpse eyeball sucking would be more to my taste?  I think not!  I'm still trying to figure out why on earth you would put a piece of metal THERE!! Ouch!

Aside from the theft of the corpse, which seems to be the focus, the movie seems to be attempting a serious message by showing us the other side to Robs life, where he is bullied and walked over; a perpetual doormat, perhaps corpses are the only people he feels on a level with?  He feels a bit more in control.  This is also illustrated by his need to kill a prostitute in order to get aroused to have sex with her.  For the record this scene is perhaps one of the lamest, worst acted scenes I have ever been witness to.  This is only topped by the scene which directly follows where a man who comes upon the scene is decapitated from the jaw upwards by a shovel.  So bad, its hilarious!

There isn't really much else to add about the movie.  There is little script to speak of.  The fact it is german probably doesn't matter, as you won't miss anything if you have no idea of anything that is being said.  Rob gets turned on by corpses, body parts, innards - particularly intestines, rabbit killing, skinning and gutting and death in general.  Betty dumps him as he loses his job and she is tried of being with a weak man who won't stand up for himself.  She does however take the corpse with her as a parting gift.  Rob ends up killing a prostitute, having sex with her, decapitating an old man before going home and stabbing himself to death whilst his enormous (but very fake looking) penis ejaculates all over the place.  Sounds pretty fucked up?  Well there you have it!

The movie ends with a shot of Robs grave and a female foot coming into shot with a spade ready to dig him up.

In case you were in any doubt as to what I thought of this movie.  It was crap.  A monumental waste of time.  Asides from the laugh that the decapitation gave me, it was complete and utter dross.  Big, fat AVOID slapped on its backside.

I Miss You, Hugs & Kisses - Lisa's Review

*** SPOILERS ***

This weeks movie seemed to be keeping with the trend of sedative viewing.

I found this one hard viewing.  It was so dull and I was so uninterested in it, getting to the end was a struggle.  I still feel I probably missed half of it through mind drifting.  It is a supposed true story, but how much of this has been kept close to the actual story is anyones guess.


The movie starts with a murder of a supposedly beautiful (I say supposed as I didn't think she was) model Magdalene.  All fingers are pointing at her husband, Charles.  The movie plays out as a court room drama with flashbacks to events leading up to the murder.  As it does, it introduces possible killer after killer and uncovers new motives.

As with last weeks movie, this one had an appearance of being made for TV.  There were a few scenes which would have raised a few eyebrows from the usual viewers of this kind of dross (and they were the reasons it made the DPP list) but asides from that, I can see this alongside Columbo or Murder she Wrote on a Sunday afternoon.

What else can I say about this movie without boring you even more than I was with regards to the plot... scenes in the movie that probably led to it being placed on the nasties list??

A Chicken Slaughterhouse (all been seen before so not surprising)
Head Bludgeoning (we see the victim being bludgeoned by every suspect leaving lots of unanswered questions for the viewer... if indeed they care)
A Stabbing followed by a suggestion of necrophilia (performed off screen - This was a bit disturbing as it seemed so out of place in the movie, something genuinely nasty)
A disgruntled husbands fantasies about killing his wife (this was more humorous than anything else)


This movie is all over the place in the court room.  We keep getting more and more information and just when you think you know 'who did it', we are presented with another would-be killer.  Thing is... I didn't care who did it.  Was it the husband Charles?  After all Magdalene won't sleep with him and he is in love with another woman.  He also talks at length with his best friend Gershen (I kept seeing Bobby Ewing when I looked at him!) about ways to kill his wife.  Was it Gershen, his confidant who was actually having an affair with the victim? (naughty boy!) Was it the escaped serial killer with the penchant for sex with corpses?  (On a side note, this character seemed to have no place in the movie.  I could see a movie about him working though.) Even cops are fingered as possible murderers.

After everything has played out in the court, the jury find Charles guilty.  They are then asked to stand up as their numbers are called 1 at a time, if they agreed with the verdict... was this ever the case in reality? (Will?)

We end the movie with Charles writing a letter to Paulie (not sure if that was his daughter or the woman he was having the affair with... I think it was the daughter).  He has been in prison for a couple of years and is appealing his conviction.  The things he seems most perturbed about are the fact he's had to have his head shaved and the food is crap (so much so its brought him out in boils, lol).

Rather dull ending to a very dull movie.  Not quite as bad as last week, it has to be said, but still... not something I'll ever watch again.

I wouldn't bother with this one folks.  Nothing particularly nasty or rivetting here.

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