Nekromantik - Will's Review

As very few people read these things, and even fewer of those are likely to see this movie, I'm going to feel free to use spoilers. If you think you might be interested seeing in a poorly made, dull, corpse-fucking movie; stop reading now , and go track down a copy of Necromantic.

Thank god they're gone.

The movie opens with a woman taking a piss in a layby. Given that she dies all of 2 minutes later, I think it's unlikely that the director felt that this was a character building moment; so I can only assume that this was intended for titillation. (Don't worry all you female urophiliacs, by the 8 minute mark, you'll get to see a man pissing too)

So, as I mention, soon after taking a leak in a layby, the woman (along with the guy driving her) are killed in a car crash.

Cue a bunch of guys in hazmat suits (and no gloves) arrive on the scene to cordon it off, and set too picking up the woman's intestines (did I mention no gloves?) and dropping them into bin bags, while one of their colleagues cuts into the car with a consumer grade angle grinder to remove the man's body from the car.

Now, you might think that things like cordons would be handled by the police, and that the bodies would be cleared away by either a forensic technician or a coroner... Nope. Our guys work for a cleaning company.

It would seem like investigating a lethal car-crash isn't a high priority in Germany; getting the mess cleans up as fast and inexpensively as possible is key!

And so, we meet Rob, one of the cleaners, who helps himself to an eyeball and a heart from the scene (pfft, the relatives clearly weren't getting the body back anyway, who's going to miss a few parts?).

It turns out that Rob has quite a body-parts collection at home, which his girlfriend enjoys as much as he does (but then, she also likes cat blood in her bath water).

The next day at work, Rob hits pay dirt - the company are employed to remove a badly decomposing body from a lake, and Rob is charged with getting rid of it (again, investigations not a big thing in the Necromantic universe). 

So, of course, he takes it home for a threesome.

Unfortunately, our drown-man's penis has entirely rotted away, so Rob's girlfriend has to impale the corpse's groin area with a pole so she has somewhere to sit.

There is an extended scene of the two of them licking the slimy corpse, sucking its eyeballs and generally having sexy-time with it.

Incidentally, she does put a condom on the pole before inserting it... The deadly pathogens in rotting flesh may not be a thing in the movies cannon, but steel-pipe AIDS seems to be a very real concern.

They split up after he loses his job (a man who can't bring home cadavers? A self respecting woman can't be expected to put up with such things) and goes into a depression spiral that climaxes (quite literally) with a hilariously graphic (and hilariously bad) autoerotic suicide.

The suicide warrants a mention, and was easily the best/worst part of the movie. After finding the inner peace that only deciding to take your own life can bring, rob lays on his bed, pops out his cock (a joke-shop quality dildo) and stabs himself repeatedly in the stomach while, if you'll pardon the expression, cumming buckets. Seriously. Peter North has nothing in this guy.

Then there's a final sting in which an unseen woman starts digging up Rob's grave... Setting up next week's movie.

I had far more fun writing this review than I had watching the movie.

Nekromantik - Lisa's Review

***SPOILERS - if indeed you care***

Sometimes when I watch a movie, it takes me a while, sometimes a few days to decide whether I actually enjoyed the movie or not.  Strange maybe, but true.  A movie I thought was maybe just 'ok' in retrospect after a little bit of thought, I realise was actually quite good.

What has this got to do with this weeks movie I hear you ask?... well, this week that was not a problem at all.  I am in no doubt as to what I felt about Nekromantik.  If I didn't feel like a big, fat cheat for copying and pasting a dictionary definition for the word excrement as my review, that is exactly what you would be reading.

So why so bad?  Where do I start.  I'm not a person who is easily shocked.  Granted, I do have my limits.  I don't like watching any acts of cruelty which I know to be real.  There have been scenes of real animal deaths in some movies we have watched which I have found very difficult, but aside from that anything else is fair game really.  Don't get me wrong, there are staged scenes in movies, I find uncomfortable to watch, usually due to how they are portrayed, but gore generally doesn't offend me.

So to Nekromantik... I seem to be avoiding reviewing it thus far, for good reason really, I am struggling with the words to put together to give you any kind of idea as to how bad this movie actually is.

So, our premise here follows a young man (Rob) who works for a cleaning agency (by cleaning agency I mean a company who remove dead bodies).  He has a bit of a penchant for corpses and various body parts of corpses.  His job obviously provides the perfect opportunity for him to indulge in his pastime.  Luckily for him, his very attractive (how did he manage that?) girlfriend Betty seems to share in his hobby.

This movie follows Rob as he brings home a decomposing corpse to Betty and proceeds to indulge in a threesome.  For some reason the sex scenes in the movie are always shown with a 'shaky camera' style where everything seems out of focus. Small blessing I suppose.  Do I really want to watch a woman straddle a section of piping covered in a condom which she has attached to a corpse?  Or perhaps the face of a corpse shoved between a womans legs?  Maybe a bit of corpse eyeball sucking would be more to my taste?  I think not!  I'm still trying to figure out why on earth you would put a piece of metal THERE!! Ouch!

Aside from the theft of the corpse, which seems to be the focus, the movie seems to be attempting a serious message by showing us the other side to Robs life, where he is bullied and walked over; a perpetual doormat, perhaps corpses are the only people he feels on a level with?  He feels a bit more in control.  This is also illustrated by his need to kill a prostitute in order to get aroused to have sex with her.  For the record this scene is perhaps one of the lamest, worst acted scenes I have ever been witness to.  This is only topped by the scene which directly follows where a man who comes upon the scene is decapitated from the jaw upwards by a shovel.  So bad, its hilarious!

There isn't really much else to add about the movie.  There is little script to speak of.  The fact it is german probably doesn't matter, as you won't miss anything if you have no idea of anything that is being said.  Rob gets turned on by corpses, body parts, innards - particularly intestines, rabbit killing, skinning and gutting and death in general.  Betty dumps him as he loses his job and she is tried of being with a weak man who won't stand up for himself.  She does however take the corpse with her as a parting gift.  Rob ends up killing a prostitute, having sex with her, decapitating an old man before going home and stabbing himself to death whilst his enormous (but very fake looking) penis ejaculates all over the place.  Sounds pretty fucked up?  Well there you have it!

The movie ends with a shot of Robs grave and a female foot coming into shot with a spade ready to dig him up.

In case you were in any doubt as to what I thought of this movie.  It was crap.  A monumental waste of time.  Asides from the laugh that the decapitation gave me, it was complete and utter dross.  Big, fat AVOID slapped on its backside.

WEEK 106 - Nekromantic

Year: 1987

Reviews / Author Comments due: 01/06/2013

Reason for Inclusion: Banned in many countries, never submitted in the UK.

BBFC Status: Never Submitted

More Info: Wikipedia, IMDB

DVD: US import (R1)

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Feel free to use the comments section of this post to add your own reviews and thoughts about this movie.