Blood Rites - Will's Review.

Wow.


Not a good "Wow", but "Wow" never the less...


I'm glad I decided against a star-rating system for my reviews here, because I would have given "The Beast In Heat" Zero, and now I'd be stuck as to how to grade this lower... In fact; I'm loath to give it a full review, as I resent putting more effort into the movie than the film-makers did!

In my notes I've written "WHEN THE FUCK IS THIS MOVIE SET?" it looks like a bad knockoff of a BBC costume drama, but the language used seems (at times at least) to be modern (by which I mean 70's).


The opening scene features a couple exploring a private (we are told, uninhabited) island; how they got there and why we do not know, but it isn't long before the guy decides to ditch his girlfreind where she is, and go explore an overgrown area - brilliently, 28 years before Scream's Randy burned the Cliché into the public conscious, our douchbag lead actor says "I'll be right back".

He isn't.

Instead he's murdered... I think.

Actually  I'm sure he's murdered, but what, specifically, goes down remains a mystery - The camera seems to have been passed to an epileptic monkey who just ate a fitsfull of class B narcotics, and (dispite rewinding and re-watching TWICE) I have no idea how, or by who (Wikipedia says that it was Colin - the retarded servant we will meet later in the film, but I'm quite sure it wasn't); whoever it was, they kill his lady friend too, and the pair of them are never mentioned again.

We are then introduced to three sisters, and their respective husbands, each of which have received a letter from Grandpa from 'The Texas Chain Saw Massacre' Lawyer Dobbs, the doddery old git in charge of their late Fathers' estate.

"Now don't you cry. Grandpa is the best. This won't hurt a bit..."

Sorry, wrong move.

It seems Daddy dearest didn't want his will to be read until all 3 girls were "Married and settled down" (even the youngest has been married 3 years at this point), an that isn't even the oddest thing in the will; It turns out he hated their mother, who he paints as a total bitch, and wants their old family home to see "3 nights of marital bliss" and so his vast fortune isn't to be split until the couples have spent 3 nights in "sexual harmony" there, they are told that the boat (the house is on the island from the opening of the film) Will collect them in the morning. It is also through Lawyer Exposition Dobbs that we learn what little we know of the Girls' Father - his fortune came from a company he ran in South America (I forget doing what but, like much of the film, it's unimportant) and the Girls barely ever met him - he returned home just 5 times, and conceived the girls on 3 of those 5 visits.

Oh, and the House's Staff will be waiting for them... Yes, like just like "The Beyond" this recently-inherited (but stood empty for years) house comes with staff who have had very little to do for the last however many years - Unlike the beyond's layabout house-staff though, sibling trio Martha, Hatty, who look like nothing so much as pantomime "Ugly sisters",  and their retarded hunchback brother Colin have at least been keeping the place clean and warm.

Let's make her stay behind and clean, while we 

go to the ball!

Predictably enough, once they arrive, people start dying - and they're all very casual about it; indeed, after the 3rd murder is descovered (One of the sisters'  heads finds its way under a serving trivet at dinner time) the only remaining husband barks at his wife to "for god's sake stop crying".

The whole time we are clearly supposed to think that Colin is the murderer, but anyone who has ver seen a movie before will know that this isn't the case if only becauise of how hard the film tries to convince us it is!

Eventually  film slowly (and clumsily) lurches to a ludicrous "twist" ending which is, in true slasher / who dunnit tradition, explained by the killer, shorty before they are dispatched, leaving no proof of what went on. Also, the killers plan makes no sense; it relies on them using a fact no-one on earth but themselves knows about in order to enlist themselves as sole hair to the house and estate!

One of the husbands has an obnoxious rich brother (who may me sexually attracted to him), another of the husbands tries to rape his wife, one of the sisters is said to be psychic, and there is a trunk in the attic which is somehow connected to the inheritance - like the opening murders all of these things are introduced, and never mentioned again!

I've had a quick peek a a draft of Lisa's review, and she's gone though the plot in some detail - I suggest you give it a look if you want to know more about this dreadful, dreadful movie! but for the love of all that's unholy, do not waste your time tracking down a copy and watching it, even if you want to watch all 72 'nasties' just skip this one and lie about it - I wish I had!

Body Count: 9
Animal Body Count: 1
Boob Count: 2 pairs
Most Memorable Death: Dinner is served!

Who do I write to for my time back?

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Blood Rites - Lisa's Review

*** Warning: Contains Spoilers ***

As this movie started, I had a feeling of dread,so monumentally awful was the opening scene. I have no idea what year it is meant to be set in, but the leading lady has a bonnet and parasol.. need I say more? She is having a lovely day in a meadow-like setting with her beau. The conversation is cringe worthy, the accents terrible. All of a sudden, in the midst of getting cozy with his lady, the young man states "I want to take a look around". Okaaaaaaaaaaaay, so we know something is about to happen. Thank gawd, I thought. The scene which follows is most odd and I never managed to tie it together to the rest of the movie, try as I might. Some maniac creeps up on him, the way this is shot (underneath trees with the sun shining through, muchos shadows) makes it very hard to see what is happening. I found myself wondering... was that an eyeball protruding as he gets his head battered in? This scene is quite brutal and effective it has to be said and comes out of nowhere. However why the guy getting a beating felt the need to drape his hand over the aforementioned possible eyeball protrusion is anyones guess. It had me wondering what the hell I had seen. Even a couple of rewinds didn't help. Even when he is dragged off screen by his murderer, that bloody hand doesn't budge!

His parasol wielding girlfriend follows and as she peers through a gap, her conveniently outstretched hand is unceremoniously hacked off before she meets her maker also. Now follows the opening credits??

So while I'm somewhat confused as to what's going on, we start the movie with a love scene between a married couple. We skip to 2 other couples and similarly cringe worthy love scenes. This movie is a perfect illustration to me as to why we never see ugly people in sexual situations *shudder*. Anyways we get to know these 3 'sweet' couples and discover that the 3 ladies (Victoria, Veronica & Elizabeth) are in fact sisters whose parents have both passed away and are due for some inheritance. They need to travel to New York to get this.

The husband of one of the sisters has a brother called Walter who they call upon to lend them money to travel to New York. He is only shown once in the movie so it kind of made me wonder why his inclusion at all. He was a very creepy individual who obviously has the hots for his own brother, who describes him as 'having abnormal tastes'. Very odd indeed. He gets his money and we all head for New York.

We next cut to a very creepy old solicitor who advises them that their father (who concieved the 3 sisters in his only 5 visits home in his life) had 4 conditions to his estate and money being divided amongst the sisters. They were as follows:

1) They must live at his old residence Grinshaw House in sexual harmony for 3 days.

2) On the morning of the 3rd day an envelope with a V on should be opened.

3) A Large trunk in the attic should them be opened.

4) Should anything happen during the stay, the eldest daughter should re-distribute the inheritance.

Seems simple enough? Of course they go to the house and allsorts kicks off. The servants are there to look after them - 3 siblings Colin (who is simple minded),Aggie and Martha. They are quite ominous characters so we know everything is not as it seems with them right away. In an attempt to illustrate Colins simple-mindedness and violent tendencies, we are treated to a scene where he picks up a rather cute fluffy bunny and starts eating it. Thankfully he turns his back to the camera for the actual kill. This rabbit later turns up in the youngest sisters bed as a start to the shenanigans.

What follows is people getting increasingly more ill tempered, greedy, violent and acting completely out of character as if the house is having some sort of effect on them. The eldest sister wants everything for herself with no thought for her sisters. The husband of the youngest sister starts beating her and forcing himself on her such is his irritation at her crying at the unravelling events.

The 3 husbands one by one meet their maker in very unimaginative ways. First off Richard meets his maker on the first night and is hung up in the hallway by his feet. Secondly Donald meets a grisly end with a saw while helping Colin in the cellar (some crap disembowelling & sawing follows). Thirdly our last husband gets a pitchfork through the neck again whilst helping Colin in the attic... kind of common thread. Of course the more astute amongst us will know Colin has sod all to do with it.

We are also treated to Elizabeths head served up on a silver platter beneath a cloche for dinner. The other 2 sisters however are spared only to meet the murderer at the end of the movie. We have only seen a hooded figure to this point.

In the conclusion Martha and Colin are attacked as Martha finds a photo which holds some form of revelation,which we aren't party to. Martha is killed and Colin is badly hurt (we are to assume possibly dead). The perpetrator is none other than their big sister Aggie (who oddly is now calling herself Hattie?).

It seems she was the first born and eldest child. Her mother died and her father (also their father) re-married. Their mother was hideously cruel to her behind closed doors (kind of Cinderella if you will). She starved, beat and enslaved her. She also hired 2 orphaned children (Colin & Martha) to act as her siblings so she could have slaves of all 3. She beat Colin so badly, he ended up simple minded. So it seems that Hattie / Aggie is in fact the beneficiary to the estate and that would have been contained in the chest and envelope that we never got to see.....

Just as she shouts "Bye Veronica, Bye Victoria" and attempts to axe them through the head, Colin appears as hero of the half hour and kills her. The film ends quite abruptly with no more explanation.... very odd.

This is better than the first 4 movies on the list, but not as good as The Beyond. It is watchable however, although the gore is rubbish. Inclusion on the list is ridiculous.

Gore Score: 2/10

Overall Score: 4/10

Please use the comments bellow only to comment on this post - to write your own review, please comment on the "Reader Reviews" post for this movie.

WEEK 7: Blood Rites

Alternate Titles : The Ghastly Ones

Year: 1968

Reviews / Author Comments due: 09/07/11

DPP Status: Final 39 - Successfully prosecuted

BBFC Status: Never Passed

IMDB: The Ghastly Ones

Wikipedia: Blood Rites

DVD: Region 1 Import

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Feel free to use the comments section of this post to add your own reviews and thoughts about this movie.