Antichrist - Will's Review

When the BBFC let unsimulated sex pass uncut without giving it an 18R (porn) rating; There's a good chance you're dealing with an art film.

When a continental European sounding name precedes a movie title; There's a good chance you're dealing with an art film.

If a film made this side of 1965 is filmed (or partly filmed)  in black and white; There's a good chance you're dealing with an art film.

If a movie opens with a slow motion prologue; There's a good chance you're dealing with an art film.

I'm not a fan of art films, so the fist three minuets of "Lars von Trier's: Antichrist" were enough for me to know I was in trouble...

Now, I don't mind when a film leaves something to the imagination, and I don't mind so much when an ending is a little ambiguous, letting different people take away different things from it. What I do not like is when the entire script is seemingly designed to let the viewer decide what the film is actually about.

God damn you movie; your ONE JOB is to tell me a story!

Now, I know that the story is about a couple who lost their child (a toddler, who escapes his crib, opens a baby gate, then jumps out of a window while his parents are engaged in the aforementioned slo-mo monochrome sex), and I know that She (I will refer to the mother as "Her" or "She" as she is unnamed through the movie) was at some point writing a theses about Gynocide (Anti-women stuff basically) but (we find out) gave up on it when her research suggested to her that women deserve to be underdogs. I also know that she is not dealing well with the death off her son, so He (again, her husband is without moniker), being a therapist  takes it upon himself to counsel her, so off they go to Eden (which is a woods, in which they have a summer cabin) to analyse her fears.

You might think that her "realization" (the film does seem to imply that shes wrong about this) that women are evil might have something to do with her grief issues, and you'd be right; we also find out later in the film that she has much more specific feelings of guilt.All of this, however, is pretty much an aside, to an hour and a half of interestingly shot (mostly with hand-held cameras) nonsensical pretentious bollocks... with great sound design.

Most of what follows could probably be accounted for by saying that grief had driven Her mad; but for the fact that He is prone to hearing animals speak too...

Is nature evil? is nature punishing Her for the death of her son? is there some supernatural force in the woods feeding on her guilt? We never find out.

Instead we have endless scenes of Her being (alternately) scared, violent and horny. climaxing when she knocks Him out and fastens a grindstone through his leg, having decided that he is going to leave her.

Then she mutilates herself in, one of the most graphic, nasty, realistic methods I have ever seen on film.

Which brings us to the point of this review, and indeed, the reason we chose this film; How on earth did the BBFC pass this uncut? More to the point having passed it, how can they ever justify cutting anything simulated, ever again?

There are 2 scenes in particular in this movie; one where She does something to Him, and one where She mutilates herself, which are (respectively) as bad as, and worse than ANYTHING in any of the video nastiest, some of which are still banned or cut to this day.

SPOILERS FOLLOW - BY NOW YOU HAVE THE GIST; HERE I GET SPECIFIC:

1. Having hit Him in the genitals with a plank so hard that he passes out with pain, she then Proceeds to masturbates Him (its a real had-job on a real cock) until he ejaculates blood. - the biology of this aside (for one thing, you planked my junk hard enough top knock me out, I'm guessing I'd probably loose my erection)  that's some fucked up shit.

2. (this is the kicker) In extreme close up, she spreads her vagina (which looks real enough to me) and (again, close up and looking real) cuts off her clitoris with a large pair of scissors!!!!

WHAT. THE. ACTUAL. FUCK.

Don't get me wrong... I think passing it 18 was the right move; it's simulated, no-one got hurt, let adults watch what they want, buy surely this sets some kind of precedent for what we are now allowed to see in an 18 rated movie?

You'd think so, but the same people who passed this, made them removed a shot of a barbed wire wrapped penis and some poop splatters from Human Centipede 2.

This movie was selected to show how far the BBFC had come - instead, it has reminded me how uneven and imperfect the system still is.

I have marked this "Avoid" - but not because of the "gross factor", simply because it was a dull movie.

Bloody Moon - Lisa's Review

*** CONTAINS SPOILERS ***

This movie is IMHO one of the biggest wastes of anyones time who puts it on. I'm a stickler for doing things when I say I'm going to and hey I want to be able to say I have seen all the movies on this list in their entirety but jesus christ! I wish I could have switched this one off before the end!

It reminds me that the 80's is well and truely the decade that taste forgot. Everything here is bloody awful! The hair, the clothes, the music.... well just everything.

We start this movie being introduced to Miguel, a young man at the centre of this movie with a facial disfigurement (which looks like a child had has fun with some play putty). He attends a masquerade ball, convenient that with his face an' all. I looked more like a tacky 80's pool part to me, but there you go....

He ends up having sex with a young lady who has no idea who he is... when she finds out, she is less than enamoured to continue. Not happy with this he stabs her to death with a pair of scissors. The blood is crap, the special effects are crap.

The movie continues by Miguel being institutionalised and then released into the care of his sister Manuela (who he is having an incestuous relationship with). They travel home on the train and Miguel sets eyes on Angela, who he quickly becomes obsessed with and follows everywhere.

We see a cringeworthy scene with Miguel and his sister almost getting it on, where she stops and says its wrong and she's his sister. Bit late for that now lovey! She utters the immortal line "If only we could get rid of everyone"... cue the motive for the rest of the movie. Simple really.

Manuela runs a language school with her grumpy arsed Aunt Maria Contessa which is conveniently full of nubile, young, pretty, perfect breasted females (there are also a few young arrogant men for good measure to patronise the woman who tried to convince everyone else about the murderer).

We have several shit death scenes with bad makeup. Firstly we lose old grumpy auntie (I think with a burning torch), A knife through the boob (well they were getting them out an awful lot, it was bound to happen) a garotting type pincher thingy, a circular saw (that was monumentally awful when the actress turned into a very bad mannequin).

Of course we're meant to blame all this carnage on poor old mental pervert Miguel, but in actual fact, Manuela and her real life boyfriend are to blame (oh quelle surprise!!) Unfortunately as they discuss their devilish plans, everything they have done and as she expresses her disgust for Miguels face, he overhears everything from the door.

Manuela then in her greed to inherit her aunts estate, turns on her stupid-arsed donkey-boy boyfriend, who did all the killings for her and tells him to sod off.

Miguel then runs upstairs where Angela (the only survivor) is resting and jumps on top of her expressing his love. She stabs him through the neck with what looks like a poker and that's that then!!! She dashes downstairs to see Manuela fighting with her boyfriend on the floor about who is getting what and hot foots it into a lounge where she see's auntie dearests burnt remains on a seat. Rather the shock when she's asking for help really....

As Manuela's boyfriend tries to kill Angela, Manuela rushes in and kills him with hedge trimmers!!! *yawn* but DU-DU-DUUUUUHHHH Miguel appears (complete with poker still through his neck - yup he's still alive!) and takes out his sister Manuela, by choking.....

Cue good guy turnng up with police to save Angela. Miguel dies on floor beside Manuela... THE END!! Complete pile of bollocks!!!

Too poor to score. I feel the worst one yet.

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