Evilspeak - Will's Review

I'd like to start by saying I really did enjoy this week's movie - I know it's a little weird to give my conclusion at the start of a review, but the thing is; on paper, it's a pretty shitty movie, as a result anything I can say about it is likely to sound like I didn't enjoy it, so unwanted to clear that up before I start.


So, why should it suck?

Well, for one thing it's like a checklist for 80's teen horror movie villein clichés. Our main character is an orphaned, unpopular (save for one close friend), bullied computer wiz. If he only listened to heavy metal and played Dungeons and Dragons, I do believe we'd have a full house.

Young Coopersmith (the aforementioned main character) is in military school, and finds himself on report rather a lot - usually as a result of his bullies' actions, which means he spends as much time taking out the rubbish, or tending to the schools psychotic killer pigs (yes, the military school has a farm full of angry pigs) as he does in class. One particular punishment he receives is to clear out the chapel basement.

But this is no ordinary military chapel - it seems that, in the days of the inquisition, a priest by the name of Esteban was banished, not only from the church, but from all of Spain, for turning to Satan. On arrival in the new world  Esteban  built a church - years later an entire military school was built around it (!).

And so, while clearing the basement, Coppersmith finds an entire room that no one knew was there (including 'sarge'; the mad and potentially violent old guy who the school allows to live in the basement) in the room he finds some of  Esteban 's relics, including a notebook.

After knicking one of the schools computers and sneaking it  down into the basement (I never said that this movie didn't require you to suspend disbelief) Coopersmith sets too translating the Latin notebook into English - and in doing so, frees an evil force into the computer.

Y'know... He has a point.

There are a couple of deaths along the way (the school secretary steals the notebook at one point, and is eaten by pigs for her trouble) but the action really doesn't kick off until literally the movie's last nine minutes!

At one point my partner (who refuses to watch these things) asked how my film was, prompting me to say "I'm half way through, nothing nasty has happened, this thing was prosecuted and not passed uncut for 20 years - there'd better be a fucking bloodbath on the way!"

Sadly, there isn't - there's quite a body count (unusually for these things, Coopersmith even takes out some people who didn't particually do anything to him) but it isn't as graphic as you would want, given the length of time it holds out to get there.

I can't be the only one who cringes when someone

in a horror movie has a dog...

The odd pacing doesn't hurt the film though, as it has 90 minutes to mess around with things modern audiences just don't have time for (things like 'character development' and 'setup') and I never actually found by self being board.

Oh, and if some of Coopersmith's mannerisms seem familiar; that's probably because the actor seems to channel his brother, big-shot director and one time Ritchie Cunningham, Ron Howard.

Body Count: 12
Boob Count: 2 pairs
Animal Body Count: 1
Most Memorable Death: When a zombie takes heart...

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Evilspeak - Lisa's Review

***SPOILERS***

Bit of a wierd one this in some respects... in that although there were monumentally crap parts to this movie, I quite enjoyed it. For some reason, it reminded me of a male Carrie (obviously nowhere near as good, but the idea was there).

I thought we had a movie set in olden times when this one started and subtitled... I thought this is going to be a challenge with a screaming baby to contend with, but thankfully after an initial 5 minutes or so to set the scene, we switch to what would have been the present day when this movie was made.


We start with what looks like a monk/priest (very bad man!! you just know by looking at them don't you? The menacing glare usually gives it away) being banished by what must be the top dog amongst the holy men. He is accused of satanism and refuses to renounce his worship. This scene ends with possibly the worst beheading (as in crap) I have yet to see in any movie. It was rather satisying that it was the young woman with the impossibly high breasts! *snigger*.

The background set, we head to military school and meet our 'hero' if you will. - Coopersmith (I thought he was called Cooper Smith, but a check online told me otherwise). His parents have been killed in a car accident and he's been placed in this school that he otherwise would never have got into, as he's a bit slow it seems. He (like Carrie) is the misfit, the nerd, the one no-one likes. He is bullied, picked on and ridiculed by other boys and even it seems by a rather cruel minister. One thing which I found it really hard to shake through the whole film is that this is the little kid from 'Gentle Ben'... I so wish they had named a character Ben, just so he could lose him and run around shouting his name... just for the nostalgia.

Getting on to the story, while on a punishment cleaning duty of the cellar, he comes across a rather cool looking book of Black Magic with a jewelled pentagram on the front. This is obviously from our original banished priest. Coopersmith sets to translating the book and for some reason that was completely lost on me through the entire movie, he decides to follow the commands within it to worship satan (and he seems such a nice boy) and bring our nasty man back to life.

One thing I found really irritating about the movie is that the computer he uses to translate the book somehow seems to become possessed and throughout the movie, it throws up all kinds of crap statements and images. I would have much preferred the movie, had he done it the old fashioned way and went to the library and translated it.

We kick off proceedings with a drunken caretaker who wakes up and gets into a tussle with Coopersmith. This culminates inCoopersmith crying out for help and the caretaker meeting a nasty end where his head twists completely around to face the wrong direction. The special effects here are laughable btw.

Later on Coopermith leaves his book on a desk with the school secretary when he is in seeing the head teacher and she develops an obssession with the jewels on the Pentagram... consequentally we need to see her have a shower with the obligatory boob scene, then she is inexplicably attacked and eaten by wild boars. This scene is quite funny as we alternate between a vicious puppet of a boar and some very contented boars wandering about the bathroom.
We go on to a beauty contest (for whatever reason) at the school and lots of girls walking about in bikinis. I didn't really see the point of this section of the movie, but hey ho.

We go on to have Coopersmiths little pet doggie (given to him by a staff member and rare friend) killed by the bullies who are trying to give this 'computer' what it wants - blood. He however demands HUMAN blood. Hmmmmm. That fecking computer!

Meanwhile, there is a service going on upstairs where a Jesus on a crucifix seems to come to life. The veins on his wrist start to pllsate and a nail flies out of his bleeding stoney hand and lodges itself in the miniters forehead... most amusing!

You don't wanna mess with Coopersmith! He becomes possessed by our scary evil priest man and goes on a rampage. This is where the movie went all Carrie for me. Lots of people die nastilly. Very amusingly Coopersmith starts to hover above everyone with his hoisty thing, very clear to be seen underneath his very oddly shaped clothing.

He wields a very lovely sword and the best kill of the movie is a head splitting scene. There are also some awfully bad decapitations and some more hog eating to be done.

We end the movie weirdly with the caretaker who died earlier with the reverse head spin coming back to life and pulling one of the bullies still beating heart out of his chest.... getting bored of that effect now....

In conclusion, we are treated to the news via that update text you sometimes get at the end of movies (I hate that!) that Coopersmith is now in an asylum recovering from everything that happened but the computer with his crap graphics, informs us that he shall return!

I did enjoy parts of this movie, even though some of it was spectacularly bad. You could do worse than watch this one, but you're not going to see anything ground breaking, overly disgusting, creepy or witness any fantastic acting. Medicore but with its own charm.

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Week 34 - Evilspeak

Alternate Titles : Evilspeaks

Year: 1982

Reviews / Author Comments due: 14/01/2012

DPP Status: Successfully Prosecuted

BBFC Status: Passed uncut in 2004

IMDB: Evilspeak

Wikipedia: Evilspeak

DVD: Uncut R2 (the cheaper Prism version is cut)

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