The Gestapo's last orgy - Lisa's Review

Where do I start with this one? I thought we had another 'Beast in Heat' here, but although on the surface, it may appear to be your typical Nazi sexploitation movie (bit cheesy with hammy sex scenes, lots of nudity and a pretty sparse story line - the sort of thing your average person who thinks they like a bit of S&M might enjoy). I wasn't that long into the movie before I had decided this one wasn't for me.

This movie contained 1 of only 2 subjects I find deeply uncomfortable, that of sexual abuse (if any regular readers exist, they will know the other subject is animal cruelty/torture/death).

While The Beast in Heat was too ridiculous and camp to find offensive, this one definately has an altogether different feel. The abuse is cruel, violent, humiliating and degrading and it was something I found hard to watch. I didn't find the rest of the movie was handled in a serious enough light given these kind of scenes.

Something I found even more repugnant was the leading lady (yet another Lisa.. what is it with nasties and Lisa's) and her switch from refusal to give in to the Nazi's and wanting to die, to her falling in love with the lead Nazi, even simulating giving a gun he points at her a blow job. It kind of cheapens what the POWs are going through and to me, the 2 completely contrary viewpoints didn't gel in a movie that was in any way poignant. Sure I've heard of Stockholm Syndrome and they may have been angling that sort of direction, but for me, it wasn't an intelligent enough movie to carry this off with any sort of conviction.

I won't waste my own time or any other readers time going into any significant detail about the movie other than to say if you enjoy crap movies with bad acting, a weak plot, a laughable script and delight in seeing women degraded and abused for sexual kicks, then you may enjoy this. I for one wouldn't recommend it.

A mention must go however to the cute gerbils masquerading as rats. I did enjoy them.

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Contamination - Lisa's Review

***** Full of big fat spoilers as always. *****

This movie is said to be a rip off of Alien.

Apart from the existence of pulsating eggs, I didn’t see it myself.

So our movie kicks off with a large ship, The Carribean Lady that has sailed into New York completely abandoned. It had been to the tropics. The relevant people in big white contamination suits go on board and the ship is like a ghost ship, the captains log (titter) is found to have the most recent entry only 24 hours earlier by the captain Pedro Mendez where everything appeared to be fine.

It seems the crew were disturbed in the middle of their dinner as the table is full of incomplete meals.

So the guys take to a door…with all the deliberation and talk about going through it, its obvious we’ll fine our answer to the disappearance of the crew on the other side. Sure enough our Captain Mendez’s corpse falls out in not too great a state it has to be said (pretty good make up here though). A further room reveals the rest of the crew in a similar state. Lots of blood, goo, split skin, burst open bodies and entrails. What I find amusing so far is the actors stating the obvious at every turn, just in case you weren’t sure what was happening by looking at it on the screen.

They seem to think we need some kind of narration.

The discovery of green pods which spew ‘green gunk’ to give it the description used in the movie is also announced via our actors. They are found in the midst of a massive shipment of coffee. The guesses at what exactly they are range from a big avocado to a melon and the wonderful “They look like big green eggs to me”. You know the saying ‘Curiosity killed the cat’? Well it killed all but 1 of the men in big white suits in this instance when they just had to lift up one of these pulsating green eggs. It explodes its ‘green gunk’ all over their faces which proceed to melt. I was finding this scene really amusing down to the sounds made and the general feel of the scene, but then their abdomens all exploded rather impressively spewing organs everywhere leaving me open mouthed in delight feeling what only fans of horror gore know. Nice!!

The guys are obviously all dead and the one guy who survives is put into ‘decontamination’ with no clothes which is he rather non plussed at as he is a tad cold and misses his Gucci watch etc… you would think he would be feeling rather lucky to be alive after what he just witnessed, but a little water washing him down and a lack of clothes obviously was much more of a trial.

We follow with examination of one of the eggs under laboratory conditions by Colonel Stella Holmes who is now in charge it seems. A big needle is stuck in it and green gunk is taken out, or as we are informed 100% acid. Ooooooooh no…cute white rat… massive syringe of 100% acid…..result? Exploding rat. How on earth they did this I have no idea, but the effect was dramatic and very good for the movies time (1981 I think). From the year I would doubt (thankfully) that’s its a real rat though.

Kudos for effects good enough to bring that into question though.

After much deliberation they finally crack onto the fact that the eggs must not be from this world and could possibly have come back via an astronaut on a mission. All of a sudden they remember a mission to Mars where 2 astronauts supposedly encountered eggs.. Hmmmm. One of the astronauts (Hubbard) who reported what he saw was written off as mad and lost his job. The other (Hamilton) who was hypnotised by the eggs on Mars completely denied he had even seen anything of the sort. He was supposedly killed in his private plane years later.

So they have no choice but to use ‘mad’ Hubbard as their hired help to look into the eggs.

Sooooo after a very odd scene where Colonel Holmes goes to visit Hubbard to tell him she now believes him (she was originally on the board that struck him off). She also shows him photos of the eggs and ask him to go to South America in search of the coffee plantation the eggs came from with them to help. After a bit of refusal, a slur of not being a real man from Ms Holmes and a slap across the face to prove he is from Hubbard, he finally agrees. What I found most odd about English Hubbard is the fact when he talks it sounds like he’s reading straight out of a novel…. Since when did you describe something as ‘radiating light’ when you’re talking about it. Nice dialogue I suppose. The Americans must think all English people are remarkably intelligent and well educated.

So we’re in South America now with Hubbard, Holmes and a cop – Aris, who is a bit of a cad and describes Holmes as ‘a waste of a good looking women’… I think he means one with brains…. Oh dear, how sad.

While having a shower, Stella gets locked in her bathroom with a pesky egg!!! One quite amusing scene shows her banging on the bathroom door shouting “Help! Let me out of here!! Theres an egg!”, Mwhahahahahaha. Is it wrong that I found it funny. Meanwhile Aris and Hubbard have met up and are wondering where she has got to. That doesn’t send them in any mad rush to find her though. We get treated to another line of “Get me out of here, theres an egg!”. I have another giggle.

However now Hubbard rushes to the rescue and gets her out just in time before the egg explodes.

Now we get treated to a twist in the tale. It seems Hamilton (Hubbards original astronaut partner) is alive and well and living in South America. They had planned for the egg to kill Stella and when it explodes and doesn’t kill her, he can sense that the egg is no more and she is still alive. Hmmmmmmm, the plot thickens.

Stella and Aris cunningly work out that they are breeding the eggs when they are trying to buy a massive shipment of coffee (by mentioning the ship it came in on – stupid move). Stella obviously recognises Hamilton and they are duly tied up for their stupidity. Moving scenes follow where they get all intimate and kissy like…. Come on!! Wheres the action?? Meanwhile Hubbard is in a small plane flying over the plantation trying to see whats going on. He has something of a bumpy landing right in the middle of a field. Uh Oh!! He finds a partially dead (alive for about 30 seconds) man who says that ‘white zombies’ did it to him when asked what fate befell him. He finds lots more green eggs in the field and hides out of the way when he hears voices. Lots of men in white contamination suits and masks (ahhh white zombies) appear and start collecting eggs in steel boxes.

As only 1 suited guy is left behind, he whacks him over the head and nicks his suit joining the other guys.

So we’re nearing the end it seems. As in a game you’ve painstakingly reached the end of, we’re about to meet our bad guy. The monster which has been spewing forth these eggs is not as naff as I thought he’d be (reminded me a bit of Kang or Kodos from the Simpsons). It was all slimy like and not too disappointing. One by one Aris and Stella (don’t know why I prefer his surname and her first name, but I do) are lured towards the beast by way of its hypnotic flashing eye (kind of like a car headlight) Aris is consumed somewhat like an anaconda consumes its prey. Pretty tame scenes, nothing disturbing here. Cue Hubbard to the rescue. He has made his way through the building by way of taking Hamiltons female accomplice hostage. A few people are shot, he comes to the rescue and just as you think he is about to be hypnotised by the beastie, he shoots it in its big eyeball.

Long death scene short, beasties bursts into flames and dies and at the same time Hamilton bursts open with innards that look remarkably like blamange (disappointed with the lack of blood here which made the other guys demises much more dramatic).

Seems they were linked…

We are left with the statement that Hamilton didn’t come back to earth, he is still on Mars. What came back in his body, was not him. The final scene is a New York street

and a big pulsating green egg sitting in a bin bag in a back street which explodes just as the credits roll.

Soooo, what did I think? Well it wasn’t awful, there were some good effects. The monster wasn’t too bad. There were some stereotypes, sure and some laughable bits, but all in all, it was an ok movie. Pretty typical of this sort of thing for the 80’s. Probably worth it for the exploding torsos throughout the movie.

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The Beyond - Lisa's Review

*** CONTAINS SPOILERS ***

So here commences with review No 5! Given that I'm the video nasty 'virgin' I'm quite impressed at myself. It's become quite the little distraction when giving Isaac his bottle... good job he's not old enough to know what I'm watching though. So on to the movie..

My first comment has to be... That's more like it! I actually thoroughly enjoyed this movie and will be keen to see more from Lucio Fulci. The die-hard horror fans amongst you will be aghast at that, but no, I haven't actually seen anything by this guy before. I have been a big horror fan since my dad introduced me to the many Stephen King movies (when he was still good) when I was about 7 or 8, but everything I have seen has been post these sort of movies... Sorry I deviated again...

So whats to like about 'The Beyond'? More like what's not to like. This movie has a bit of it all...haunting, spookiness, gore, not too bad acting (we won't get carried away and call it good), great effects, a storyline, creepiness, intrigue... ahh no sex or boobs though - sorry guys!

To start with I really like the opening sequence to the movie which is set in 1927 where a group of villagers murder an artist (quite horribly) that they believe to be a warlock. The cinematography is lovely to watch (even if the subject matter isn't)and is shot in sepia which do the effects the world of good. They look all the more gorey, realistic and creepy. The scene which contains flagellation of the artist by way of something sharp and nasty is genuinely horrid and made me wince. You haven't even been introduced to this first victim, yet you feel genuine empathy and distress for him. This is achieved not just by some quite good acting, but also by fantastic make-up, a great attention to detail with the sound of the movie and great cinematography. Not only does the tearing flesh, pouring blood, nails hammering through flesh and acid melting skin look real and horrific, it also sounds it. Fantastic opening sequence. However 'Ms soundtrack fixation' must point out that a really eerie soundtrack is replaced by the usual bontempi organ later on.... what the hell is going on? You had it spot on guys!!!

As the movie progressed, although I enjoyed it, I did wish I could watch an entire movie with the effects, sepia overtone and mood of the first scene. We did however pop forward to what was the present day when the movie was filmed. Our lead actress Liza (which is almost Lisa if you put your mind to it!) has inherited the building where this atrocity has happened and wants to go into business with it as a hotel. Renovation work on the building seems to resurrect something horrid and all sorts starts to kick off.

Something I'm learning is that a lot of these movies have very ugly children in them and this one is no different.. cue wierd looking ginger child with horrific eyebrows. Her mother and her are called to the hospital where her dads body is laid out in the morgue beside the mummified remains of the poor guy who met his demise in the first scene. The make-up here is fantastic, I don't think modern effects have done anything to improve what's achievable these days. Soooo, the mother goes in, but doesn't look too traumatised by the state her dead husband is in wierdly enough... I think she deserves to meet a nasty end... I wasn't disappointed. You are treated to a scream from outside the room, cue ginger child running in (who thankfully has the nounce to look horrified). Her mother is unconscious on the floor conveniently beneath an overturned jar of acid (I'll let you work out what happens). You're left to wonder why the scream and why she ended up on the floor. The effects and makeup which follow are very impressive. I particularly liked the 'foamy' blood creeping across the floor towards the feet of the child... messy!

There is an odd 'freeze frame' where the child screams here which is very oddly placed and just looked stupid, but hey ho.

Not long after this, we are introduced to Emily, a strange blind girl with an awesome alsation dog called Dicky (snigger) who is the owner of the most awesome contact lenses I have seen in a movie. I want a pair! They looked ace! She has a wierd, echoey voice (like the kind thats usually used in flashbacks) that is the first clue all is not normal with her. I won't give away who she is and why all is not as it seems there, but I did love the revelation as to who she is.

As the movie progresses, the ginger kid gets herself a pair of the cool contact lenses, indicating she is now part of whatever the blind girl is... the only hint at whats going on is the ominous line "The blind see things more clearly".

I won't give away any more of the storyline as its fun to watch but be warned it doesn't all tie together in places and some things don't altogether make sense. There are some scenes where the more astute viewer with a memory would think "huh?" but try not to get too tied up in that. It doesn't really matter that you can't explain everything and that some things don't entirely make sense. It doesn't take away anything from the movie or spoil the enjoyment.

Scenes which do warrant a mention are the body nailed to the wall in the haunted room, a tarantula face eating scene (which is both hilarious for some of the fake spiders whose legs all lift at the same time when they walk, but also very creepy but the sounds as they nibble their way through someones face), Body in the bath scene (this is awesome!!! Watch for the housekeepers death!), Dicky the dog doing what needs to be done (how dare Emily send him in to fight zombies to save her.. zombies which incidentally were fantastic!!!).

A special mention has to go with how the ginger kid is dispatched... fantastic! How the hell did they DO that back then? Awesome in every way. I rewound it several times and it still looked as good after several watches. I can't give it away, you HAVE to watch it.

The scene which is played out as the movie ends again is great. The 2 lead characters find themselves, I suppose in 'The Beyond'. The backdrop.. or however they did it, is awe inspiring. Its a true horror genius that's come up with some of the scenes in this movie and the wasteland they find themselves in is well and truely desolate and immensely depressing... and littered with mummified bodies for good measure.

In conclusion, I really enjoyed this movie. I would heartilly recommend it to anyone. Yes, it did have gore, but not enough to kick up a fuss, just bloody good gore and great effects. The acting is very good for this kind of movie and the movie score is impressive as are the general sound effects used. My favourite part however was the cinematography and general mood Fulci has created with the film. Top Notch!

Makeup - 9/10

Soundtrack - 8/10

Gore - 10/10 (although not wall to wall gore, it was a perfect amount for the movie)

Overall - 8/10

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